Lack of interest

For the past few years I engulfed myself in Dallas Cowboys football, okay not just Dallas but football in general. In 2008, I made it one of my number one priorities to know everything about football there was to know, all to impress some guy. And it's funny because now that I have a guy who loves me unconditionally, I don't feel the need to drain myself or exhaust myself trying to find out the stats or trying to look up the QB average and compare it to the other QB that's playing.

Now I have more time on my hand and all I do is watch. It's fun to be just a watcher and not so much a know-it-all. It does kind of suck because last season I feel like I knew WAY more and after this whole lock-out with the players I just kind of lost an interest. I still know a lot about football, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't occupy my entire Sunday.

I mean I still love the Cowboys, don't get me wrong, but not knowing everything about them is just amazing. I love just being a fan! I love not having to know all that useless football knowledge that I'm never going to use. It's great to be excited to see Miles Austin in person and  act like I just saw a celebrity!!

It's also good to know that I don't have to impress Rodney by knowing all these stupid useless  football facts and that impressing him is as easy as trying to draw something. My Sunday's still consist of football but not to the extent of what it was and I couldn't be more excited!

Yes, I still get excited about going to games and watching but to just sit down on the couch and just watch a game is so refreshing and relieving. So here is to all the Sunday's that I knew too much and HERE is to the Sunday's I sit and just watch a football game :) 

Mixed Feelings

I seem to be falling behind in these but hopefully I can start document more. But mostly I just revert to my blog when I need to get something off my chest or just clear my head. Most of the time when I need to clear my head I go running but recently I just don't have the energy because I know I would have to run for days to clear my head. Hopefully this will help...

I guess I can start with what I am feeling concerning Rodney. But there is just so much going on it’s hard to pin-point where to start. Recently, I have felt like he doesn’t love me anymore. It is a very painful thought to even think but just little things have made me start to think this. I know it is probably stupid to think this but the thought has run through my mind several times. Even just typing out these words is hard. I don’t know how I was so lucky to end up or be with a guy like Rodney. I know he might look rough and rugged on the outside but on the inside he’s got great ambition and passion it’s truly remarkable. I’ve never truly been in love or even understood what love was until I fell in love with Rodney. I understand people may not get it but they don’t have to get it. Love is shared between two people and it’s a connection beyond all others. Rodney and I harmonize in loves song. It sounds cheesy and stupid until you find that one person to complete your hearts song. I can’t tell you how long I have waited for someone like Rodney to come into my life. The past is full of damaging and hurtful feelings but somehow Rodney makes every single one of those feelings seem so small and insignificant. The very thought of not being with Rodney brings on very power emotions. I mean I am literally tearing up at the thought, the very thought, of not being with him. I don’t know how it got to be this way. I honestly don’t know. I’ve never felt the need to cry at the thought of not being with someone. It’s weird, but Rodney is one part of my life I thought, after we finally got to where we are, I would never have to worry about. But now it seems like I’m closer to losing him than I ever was to having him. Little things like not telling me he loves me when, normally, he would. Certain things he says or even when he’s talking there just seems to be some disinterest in what I have to say or me. You know, maybe this is all in my head and everything is fine but I can’t help but think that something is wrong. I don’t have a backup plan. I don’t have a plan B. I don’t want one. After loving Rodney with everything I am I honestly don’t think I could ever give someone my whole heart again. There are a lot of backed up emotions just sitting on my chest and I just don’t know how to let go of them all. I just want all the bad emotions gone. I want them to just disappear and only be left with the good emotions. I know love comes with its ups and downs and twists and turns and I’m not expecting my relationship with Rodney to be perfect. I know every bump in the road will only make us stronger, but it’s getting over those bumps that is the hardest part for me. I need a seatbelt to hold me back from all these thoughts that come out of nowhere and seem to be more damaging than anything. I miss the random messages in my inbox telling me what I meant to him. I miss the, “I love you”’s. I miss him holding my hand. I miss the way he used to smile when I walked in. I miss the way he used to touch me. I’ve noticed subtle changes. Maybe he feels like he doesn’t need to do that anymore but I miss it all. I love him like I’ve never loved anyone before and losing him would be just really painful. He makes everything so much better. I know I can go to him with anything and he will tell me the truth and he will support me. It makes me smile when he chooses me over a party. I’m just ready for 5 years from now when I know I can wake up to and go to sleep with him right next to me. I guess these next few years/ semesters/ months will only determine how strong we will be in the end… I just have to keep my head up and know that everything happens for a reason. 

"You are nothing short of my everything"