For the past few years I engulfed myself in Dallas Cowboys football, okay not just Dallas but football in general. In 2008, I made it one of my number one priorities to know everything about football there was to know, all to impress some guy. And it's funny because now that I have a guy who loves me unconditionally, I don't feel the need to drain myself or exhaust myself trying to find out the stats or trying to look up the QB average and compare it to the other QB that's playing.
Now I have more time on my hand and all I do is watch. It's fun to be just a watcher and not so much a know-it-all. It does kind of suck because last season I feel like I knew WAY more and after this whole lock-out with the players I just kind of lost an interest. I still know a lot about football, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't occupy my entire Sunday.
I mean I still love the Cowboys, don't get me wrong, but not knowing everything about them is just amazing. I love just being a fan! I love not having to know all that useless football knowledge that I'm never going to use. It's great to be excited to see Miles Austin in person and act like I just saw a celebrity!!
It's also good to know that I don't have to impress Rodney by knowing all these stupid useless football facts and that impressing him is as easy as trying to draw something. My Sunday's still consist of football but not to the extent of what it was and I couldn't be more excited!
Yes, I still get excited about going to games and watching but to just sit down on the couch and just watch a game is so refreshing and relieving. So here is to all the Sunday's that I knew too much and HERE is to the Sunday's I sit and just watch a football game :)
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Mixed Feelings
I seem to be falling behind in these but hopefully I can start document more. But mostly I just revert to my blog when I need to get something off my chest or just clear my head. Most of the time when I need to clear my head I go running but recently I just don't have the energy because I know I would have to run for days to clear my head. Hopefully this will help...
I guess I can start with what I am feeling concerning Rodney. But there is just so much going on it’s hard to pin-point where to start. Recently, I have felt like he doesn’t love me anymore. It is a very painful thought to even think but just little things have made me start to think this. I know it is probably stupid to think this but the thought has run through my mind several times. Even just typing out these words is hard. I don’t know how I was so lucky to end up or be with a guy like Rodney. I know he might look rough and rugged on the outside but on the inside he’s got great ambition and passion it’s truly remarkable. I’ve never truly been in love or even understood what love was until I fell in love with Rodney. I understand people may not get it but they don’t have to get it. Love is shared between two people and it’s a connection beyond all others. Rodney and I harmonize in loves song. It sounds cheesy and stupid until you find that one person to complete your hearts song. I can’t tell you how long I have waited for someone like Rodney to come into my life. The past is full of damaging and hurtful feelings but somehow Rodney makes every single one of those feelings seem so small and insignificant. The very thought of not being with Rodney brings on very power emotions. I mean I am literally tearing up at the thought, the very thought, of not being with him. I don’t know how it got to be this way. I honestly don’t know. I’ve never felt the need to cry at the thought of not being with someone. It’s weird, but Rodney is one part of my life I thought, after we finally got to where we are, I would never have to worry about. But now it seems like I’m closer to losing him than I ever was to having him. Little things like not telling me he loves me when, normally, he would. Certain things he says or even when he’s talking there just seems to be some disinterest in what I have to say or me. You know, maybe this is all in my head and everything is fine but I can’t help but think that something is wrong. I don’t have a backup plan. I don’t have a plan B. I don’t want one. After loving Rodney with everything I am I honestly don’t think I could ever give someone my whole heart again. There are a lot of backed up emotions just sitting on my chest and I just don’t know how to let go of them all. I just want all the bad emotions gone. I want them to just disappear and only be left with the good emotions. I know love comes with its ups and downs and twists and turns and I’m not expecting my relationship with Rodney to be perfect. I know every bump in the road will only make us stronger, but it’s getting over those bumps that is the hardest part for me. I need a seatbelt to hold me back from all these thoughts that come out of nowhere and seem to be more damaging than anything. I miss the random messages in my inbox telling me what I meant to him. I miss the, “I love you”’s. I miss him holding my hand. I miss the way he used to smile when I walked in. I miss the way he used to touch me. I’ve noticed subtle changes. Maybe he feels like he doesn’t need to do that anymore but I miss it all. I love him like I’ve never loved anyone before and losing him would be just really painful. He makes everything so much better. I know I can go to him with anything and he will tell me the truth and he will support me. It makes me smile when he chooses me over a party. I’m just ready for 5 years from now when I know I can wake up to and go to sleep with him right next to me. I guess these next few years/ semesters/ months will only determine how strong we will be in the end… I just have to keep my head up and know that everything happens for a reason.
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| "You are nothing short of my everything" |
Monday, August 8, 2011
Closing Time
With graduation vastly approaching, all I can think of is everything that I have been through while at SFA. I have made some AMAZING memories from meeting some of my best friends to falling in love; not just with the town and the people but the memories that will live forever.
From performing with the band in front of a sold-out crowd at Homer Bryce Stadium to coaching soccer for the CrazyLegs. Every single moment was a life lesson and through it all I've learned how to hold my head high and be the best I can be; and through it all there was always a light at the end of the tunnel.
I have two people to thank for bringing me to SFA; my aunt, Caryn and her mom, Jerry. I do not know how they knew I would fall in love with SFA, but somehow they knew and their assumptions were correct.
I stepped onto the campus in 2006 and there was an instant connection. High school, looking back, was more of a stomping ground for my future. I didn't cry at my high school graduation because by the time graduation rolled around I was so fed up with all the falseness that I didn't care because I knew I wasn't going to ever see any of these people again.
College. That is a whole different story. I built my life in this town and want to continue to be a part of this town for many years to come. I have found myself part of something worth fighting for. I know that sounds weird but the first two years at SFA I really didn't care. I was still in that mode from high school where I just didn't care.
It wasn't until about 2008, when I came back from Disney, that I really started to focus on what I really wanted out of life and SFA. Disney really helped me realize that I needed to find my purpose and focus on my degree and graduate.
So I finally found a major that spoke to me and I buckled down got to work! Now it's 2011 and I am literally 5 days away from walking across the stage at the Coliseum and my career at SFA coming to a close. It's a very sad ending, but it's really not the end because I am staying in Nacogdoches, hopefully for a very long time.
A part of my heart will always belong to SFA and Saturday will be a momentous occasion. It's been long over due but part of me doesn't want to walk across that stage because that really closes the SFA chapter in my book...
But to every end there is a new beginning right?
Thanks, SFA, for the best 5.5 years I could have ever asked for!
From performing with the band in front of a sold-out crowd at Homer Bryce Stadium to coaching soccer for the CrazyLegs. Every single moment was a life lesson and through it all I've learned how to hold my head high and be the best I can be; and through it all there was always a light at the end of the tunnel.
I have two people to thank for bringing me to SFA; my aunt, Caryn and her mom, Jerry. I do not know how they knew I would fall in love with SFA, but somehow they knew and their assumptions were correct.
I stepped onto the campus in 2006 and there was an instant connection. High school, looking back, was more of a stomping ground for my future. I didn't cry at my high school graduation because by the time graduation rolled around I was so fed up with all the falseness that I didn't care because I knew I wasn't going to ever see any of these people again.
College. That is a whole different story. I built my life in this town and want to continue to be a part of this town for many years to come. I have found myself part of something worth fighting for. I know that sounds weird but the first two years at SFA I really didn't care. I was still in that mode from high school where I just didn't care.
It wasn't until about 2008, when I came back from Disney, that I really started to focus on what I really wanted out of life and SFA. Disney really helped me realize that I needed to find my purpose and focus on my degree and graduate.
So I finally found a major that spoke to me and I buckled down got to work! Now it's 2011 and I am literally 5 days away from walking across the stage at the Coliseum and my career at SFA coming to a close. It's a very sad ending, but it's really not the end because I am staying in Nacogdoches, hopefully for a very long time.
A part of my heart will always belong to SFA and Saturday will be a momentous occasion. It's been long over due but part of me doesn't want to walk across that stage because that really closes the SFA chapter in my book...
But to every end there is a new beginning right?
Thanks, SFA, for the best 5.5 years I could have ever asked for!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
When You Lose
I'm not talking about a sporting event.
I'm not talking about money.
I'm not talking about your car keys, or wallet, or phone.
I'm talking about a friend.
When you lose a friend it's hard, but when you and your best friend fall apart and don't speak for over three years, that's something that's really hard to swallow.
Taylor, was one of my best friends while I was at Disney World. We lived right next door to each other, we worked together and if that wasn't enough he basically became my big brother, oh yeah... and I had a minor crush on him for about a month.
Now, my roommates might say otherwise and that I crushed on him for like the 8 months I was there but that is wrong because here is the evidence to prove it:
January 28, 2008: I had my first meet-and-greet with Disney people and my CP (college program) began
January 29, 2008: We, my roommates and I, decided to have a looksy and investigate who our neighbors were. This is when I initially met Taylor and started to crush.
February 28, 2008: My 20th birthday... The ABSOLUTE WORST birthday I've ever had. I won't go into details but this is basically when my hatred for another cast member started and my crush became more of a heartbreak than anything else.
So there you have it. One month, almost to the day...
Anyways, that's not what I was getting at.
I was on Facebook this evening and noticed an update from Taylor and that said he had changed his profile picture. Being nosy, I looked. Well, he now has a girlfriend and seems really happy.
I am beyond happy that he has found someone and so excited for whatever he has planned in his life, I just wish I was still part of it.
Even a text, once every blue moon, would make me feel as if my friendship meant something and I didn't waste my time or my heart on some one who was just going to throw me away.
I have tried to keep in contact, but he seems to want no part in my life. Which is fine, I just wish there were verbal actions rather than ignoring messages.
Taylor, was seriously one of the best friends I have ever had and I am so mad that I let our friendship dwindle into nothing. I really wish I had gone to his brothers wedding and to Taylor's graduation. I really wish I had tried harder.
Before Taylor left on May 16, 2008 (yes, I still remember the last time I saw him) I wrote him a five page note, front and back, telling him everything I felt in my heart and everything I've ever felt for him. Some of it might have been on the romantic side but most of it was to thank him for being there whenever I needed him and always having my back even if that meant standing up for something he didn't believe in.
I don't expect him to read this, and I really don't expect much, but I just had to put these thoughts some where and why not here.
But Taylor, if you do read this please know that I will always love you. You were like my big brother at Disney and always looked after me. You shaped me and my ability to handle certain situations and never once gave up on me. Yes, we had our moments were we stopped talking to each other but we always seemed to forget about 3 days later and go back to being crazy old us. I miss FUPA hunting, I miss the random trips to the shopping outlet, Walmart, the parks. I miss your laugh and how funny it was to see you drunk. You really made a lasting impression on me and I really hope you are happy. I want you to know that I never once gave up on our friendship, but I may have let it go a little to long without a hello of some sort. You were one of the best friends I've ever had and I could not be more thankful for you. I hope to one day reconnect, but if not I am honored to have gotten to be you BFF for those 3 months, that ended up feeling like a lifetime.
I'm not talking about money.
I'm not talking about your car keys, or wallet, or phone.
I'm talking about a friend.
When you lose a friend it's hard, but when you and your best friend fall apart and don't speak for over three years, that's something that's really hard to swallow.
Taylor, was one of my best friends while I was at Disney World. We lived right next door to each other, we worked together and if that wasn't enough he basically became my big brother, oh yeah... and I had a minor crush on him for about a month.
Now, my roommates might say otherwise and that I crushed on him for like the 8 months I was there but that is wrong because here is the evidence to prove it:
January 28, 2008: I had my first meet-and-greet with Disney people and my CP (college program) began
January 29, 2008: We, my roommates and I, decided to have a looksy and investigate who our neighbors were. This is when I initially met Taylor and started to crush.
February 28, 2008: My 20th birthday... The ABSOLUTE WORST birthday I've ever had. I won't go into details but this is basically when my hatred for another cast member started and my crush became more of a heartbreak than anything else.
So there you have it. One month, almost to the day...
Anyways, that's not what I was getting at.
I was on Facebook this evening and noticed an update from Taylor and that said he had changed his profile picture. Being nosy, I looked. Well, he now has a girlfriend and seems really happy.
I am beyond happy that he has found someone and so excited for whatever he has planned in his life, I just wish I was still part of it.
Even a text, once every blue moon, would make me feel as if my friendship meant something and I didn't waste my time or my heart on some one who was just going to throw me away.
I have tried to keep in contact, but he seems to want no part in my life. Which is fine, I just wish there were verbal actions rather than ignoring messages.
Taylor, was seriously one of the best friends I have ever had and I am so mad that I let our friendship dwindle into nothing. I really wish I had gone to his brothers wedding and to Taylor's graduation. I really wish I had tried harder.
Before Taylor left on May 16, 2008 (yes, I still remember the last time I saw him) I wrote him a five page note, front and back, telling him everything I felt in my heart and everything I've ever felt for him. Some of it might have been on the romantic side but most of it was to thank him for being there whenever I needed him and always having my back even if that meant standing up for something he didn't believe in.
I don't expect him to read this, and I really don't expect much, but I just had to put these thoughts some where and why not here.
But Taylor, if you do read this please know that I will always love you. You were like my big brother at Disney and always looked after me. You shaped me and my ability to handle certain situations and never once gave up on me. Yes, we had our moments were we stopped talking to each other but we always seemed to forget about 3 days later and go back to being crazy old us. I miss FUPA hunting, I miss the random trips to the shopping outlet, Walmart, the parks. I miss your laugh and how funny it was to see you drunk. You really made a lasting impression on me and I really hope you are happy. I want you to know that I never once gave up on our friendship, but I may have let it go a little to long without a hello of some sort. You were one of the best friends I've ever had and I could not be more thankful for you. I hope to one day reconnect, but if not I am honored to have gotten to be you BFF for those 3 months, that ended up feeling like a lifetime.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
I don't really know what to write about.
I have so much going on in my life right now, some of which I want to keep private, but other stuff I want to scream it from the top of Mount Everest!
I'll start with this: I am super nervous about my first day at State Farm on Tuesday. I feel like I am going to fit in very well there and do just fine but I feel like maybe I rushed this. I mean, I'm only 23 and I just feel really young. I mean I feel old because I am the oldest amongst my friends, but I just really hope I am ready for everything this job is wanting. I mean I get to have my own office. None of my other friends have their own office. I get my own name plate and everything. It's a HUGE step toward something great and I am so blessed, beyond blessed, to have even gotten this opportunity and hopefully I'll be able to live up to the big hype that has been created! I have no doubt I'll go in there and ROCK IT! But it's going to be WAY different than any other job I have ever had, so you know what I am going to walk in with my head held high and give it everything I've got! Be the best I can be and give it 150% like I always do!
Next, is the boy. I know it's been a while since I've even mentioned RTJ, but things are going very well! I am so glad to have him in my life and glad God blessed me with such a great guy. It took a lot of heartbreaks and pain but truly when you least expect it, God blesses you with what you thought you never needed :)
Roommates: my roommates are just beyond awesome! Today they even dresses similar. The other day they were in here rolling around in living room laughing their BUTTS off! I love my roommates and they are seriously some of my best friends! Could not imagine my life without either of them!!
Well tomorrow is my last day at Smoothie King and it's bitter sweet. I honestly could have seen myself owning that store and living in Nacogdoches, but sometimes this funny thing called life comes up from behind you and brings changes that will either be for the best or help you learn and grow! So here is to life and love :)
Sometimes life (just) happens...
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I Do
not for a while! lol so don't get any ideas that I am planning a wedding or anything like that! BUT it is always fun to attend weddings or use stumbleupon as a source for creative ideas I might one day use...
Which, you guessed it, is exactly what I am doing. I'm just in a romantic kind of mood and I love seeing happy endings and such like that. It's always cool to see peoples colors and dresses and I love the designs of weddings.
I already know my colors, I mean if you know me you know my main color is purple. But not SFA purple more like a deep satin purple. I basically have a lot planned out but AGAIN it is all in my head and I am YEARS AWAY from planning a wedding.
Even though I am years away and I have no reason to look at things related to weddings, it's always fun to feel the magic.
Which, you guessed it, is exactly what I am doing. I'm just in a romantic kind of mood and I love seeing happy endings and such like that. It's always cool to see peoples colors and dresses and I love the designs of weddings.
I already know my colors, I mean if you know me you know my main color is purple. But not SFA purple more like a deep satin purple. I basically have a lot planned out but AGAIN it is all in my head and I am YEARS AWAY from planning a wedding.
Even though I am years away and I have no reason to look at things related to weddings, it's always fun to feel the magic.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Getting My Groove Back
For the past two weeks I have seriously been exhausted. Going from one strenuous job to overloading my brain at the next really takes a toll on you! I haven't really had time to myself to do anything like workout or anything like that. All I have done is sleep, go to work and sleep. I've done some cleaning in between naps and working but most of the time I can't keep my eyes open. Any time I lye down my eyes are pulled shut.
Yvette and Abby have been doing P90X and I really want to do it with them but I just haven't had the energy so I watch them. I feel like the biggest bum in the world just watching them. So we went to Chilly's today and I was watching everyone that walked in and I just felt fat. I mean I felt like my stomach was growing by the second.
So I called up Scott, my trainer, and asked if he could meet me at the stadium for a workout. Well, we scheduled one for tomorrow morning at 8AM and hopefully this will kick start my enthusiasm for working out again. But even though Scott didn't meet me tonight, I still went up to the stadium and ran my butt off!
I ran up the concourse hill 10 times, I did some sprints, I did some abs, I did lunges from the goal line to the 50 yardline, and also did some push-ups. Oh, and I threw up my dinner. My legs were shaking, my arms were shaking, I was surprised I was able to drive home...
I don't think I've worked out that hard since the last time I worked out with Scott, nearly two weeks ago. I'm not going to slip. I can't cascade to 220 pounds again. I'm no where near that or no where near 200 pounds either but the thought of weighing more than 180 scares me.
I know the scale means nothing, because I have only 20% body fat, but I go on how I feel. I base everything, weight wise, off of the way I feel and lately I've felt nothing but fat. I don't know what it is but I've got to find that nitch to get me back on track!
Yvette and Abby have been doing P90X and I really want to do it with them but I just haven't had the energy so I watch them. I feel like the biggest bum in the world just watching them. So we went to Chilly's today and I was watching everyone that walked in and I just felt fat. I mean I felt like my stomach was growing by the second.
So I called up Scott, my trainer, and asked if he could meet me at the stadium for a workout. Well, we scheduled one for tomorrow morning at 8AM and hopefully this will kick start my enthusiasm for working out again. But even though Scott didn't meet me tonight, I still went up to the stadium and ran my butt off!
I ran up the concourse hill 10 times, I did some sprints, I did some abs, I did lunges from the goal line to the 50 yardline, and also did some push-ups. Oh, and I threw up my dinner. My legs were shaking, my arms were shaking, I was surprised I was able to drive home...
I don't think I've worked out that hard since the last time I worked out with Scott, nearly two weeks ago. I'm not going to slip. I can't cascade to 220 pounds again. I'm no where near that or no where near 200 pounds either but the thought of weighing more than 180 scares me.
I know the scale means nothing, because I have only 20% body fat, but I go on how I feel. I base everything, weight wise, off of the way I feel and lately I've felt nothing but fat. I don't know what it is but I've got to find that nitch to get me back on track!
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