Time Heals

Okay so here is where I am at this point in time:

The more I talk about my relationship with Rodney the more I realize where I was in the wrong. Talking about it has actually helped a lot, despite being a hard subject but I don't really cry anymore, I actually have hope that things are going to be okay. Though I do not have any control of his emotions or his thoughts, it's okay because he needs his time just as I need mine. Here is what I come come to terms with...

1) the expectations I set up for him were too far for him to reach. Yes, there are certain expectations that any girl would expect but most of mine came from movies or TV shows. That is where my problem is, I relied too heavily on those high expectations to lead me to the perfect relationship... the thing is I had the perfect relationship (for me) and I let it get out of control and let the expectations take hold. Those expectations, like surprising me with flowers at my door step or when I was at my softball games I would look over at the stands and he would be there without ever telling me he was going to show up, were set way too high and there was no way even a guy from a movie would have been able to reach these expectations.

2) there were certain situations where I should have put him first rather than trying to make it about me. Yes, my feelings are important but when I make it all about me all the time it makes the relationship all about me rather than the two of us.

3) love is  a game of give and take. If I am doing all the giving I don't give him a chance to give to me. So those high expectations I set, once again he's not going to be able to reach them if I am giving and giving and giving without the opportunity to give back.

This is what I have come up with since I've had time to think. So far it's been pretty productive and the more I talk about it with my best friends the more it helps me realize where I was in the wrong and what I need to do to improve my relationship with Rodney.

Truth is I love him. We all knew/ know this, but until I was given this chance to step back and asses everything I don't think I was ever going to be able to see these things. Still need some time but hopefully, and with all the hope in my heart, things work out between us because despite getting upset about stupid small things Rodney really knew how to love me. And I couldn't ask for anything more.

Clarity

This...

Where do you go once you hit bottom? I feel nothing but numb. I don't feel like eating. I don't feel like doing anything but crying. Anytime one of our songs comes on, I have to fight to hold back my tears. I'm sick to my stomach because I feel just lost and broken. I know this was for the best but right now all I want to do is run into his arms and say I'm sorry.

Love isn't easy. Not in any way. When you find the right person they are worth the wait. They are worth the tears. They are worth the risk. I risked a lot with him. I gave him everything. And I don't regret anything. I gave him my all and I gave him my heart with no strings attached. I never wanted this to end up broken. I tried so hard to keep us together that I ended up pulling myself apart.

But looking from the bottom of this emotional pit, I'm having trouble seeing the light. I keep telling myself this was for the best and this is what needed to happen but it's really hard to let go of someone you truly love with no regrets. It's hard not knowing where things are going to end up and or if we will work things out. I mean that's all I hope for.

I cry myself to sleep thinking I made a huge mistake because I know with all of my heart that Rodney is the one person I want to be with. I don't have any desire to be with anyone else and it eats me up knowing I don't have him right now. I never knew my heart could love this much. I never knew how truly important he was until now.

Now I can only hope and pray that we work things out and start over. I don't want to waste my time flirting with anyone else, or trying to be with anyone else when I know where my heart lies and that's with Rodney.

As hard as it is to admit, I do believe this is going to be for the better but it's just so hard to understand and grasp that right now when I am surrounded by my friends who are happy in their relationships.

I think that's where my problem is. I try to create this perfect relationship and I can't do that. I have to create my own happiness and my own individual relationship with the man I love; instead of trying to be like the movies or like my friends relationships. I can't keep hoping for these "perfect" relationships, I have to be the one to make up my own perfect relationship.

So here it is technically day 4 of this madness and it's getting easier. Well maybe not easy but talking about it doesn't bring tears to my eyes. I still get choked up but I've deleted Facebook from my phone and I am going to restrict myself from getting on it because I have a habit of going to his page to see what's going on. And if I am going to take a break that kind of means I can't go looking for heartache.

It's not going to be easy but I've got to just learn to breathe again and evaluate what I really want. I know I want to be with Rodney. I know I love him beyond words. And in the end he is my own version of Prince Charming. But we've got to just take a break and breathe and realize how to get back to being happy.

It's a work in progress but if we both sit down and figure things out, separately,  I think in the end everything will be okay. And you know what if it's not I have to be okay with him moving on. It does hurt to think that he could say all those things and then turn around and say them to someone else if we don't work out.

Like I said... it's a work in progress. I don't plan on dating anyone because I know that I want to figure this out with him and whether that takes weeks or months, it's got to either work or not. I think I'll be okay. I know I'll have my moments but love never fails... and I have my best friends and I have my family when I just need to cry.

Empty Space

What I can’t say

Do you know that feeling, when you come here, meaning to write because you can’t talk about it, because you can’t run from it but you can’t run it out, either? Coming here, having so much to say, so many emotions crammed into your chest, squeezing the breath out of you, so many things to tell someone, but there really isn’t anyone who would understand so you don’t think you should even start trying - and then realizing you don’t have the words to fill in the blank expanse of space stretching out in front of you.
I have that feeling, sometimes. Like no one in the world understands, even though I know most people probably feel the same way at one point in time or another.
Inescapably lonely, and irrevocably mute.

What is Love

What does love mean to you?

To me.. 

Love is the smile on his face any time I walk in to a room.

It's the feeling I get when I see him smile.

It's the pain I feel when he's not near.

It's the fight he puts up when I think about walking away.

It's the passion in his kisses.

It's the talks about our future together.

It's the fear of losing each other.

It's more than those three words he tells me.

It's sitting at a baseball game and getting a picture together.

It's the chance to spend the weekend together.

It's visiting him at work for 10 minutes, knowing I might not get to see him the next day.

It's listening to his laugh and having it put a smile on my face.

It's watching him do something he loves.

It's getting exited about going to an NFL game together!

It's when he holds my hand and tells me he's missed me.

It's fighting to the point of tears and then the sorrys' that come after.

It's getting jealous of his ex-girlfriend and having him tell me I have nothing to worry about.

It's not getting to hug him and then holding him like I'm never going to see him again.

It's laughing at something funny on TV.

It's going to see Lion King 3D and admiring how he looks in 3D glasses.

It's falling asleep in his arms on the couch and having him move a piece of hair out of my face.

It's kissing my forehead when I'm upset.

It's making fun of each other.

It's a two hour car ride.

It's getting stressed out over something small.

It's testing the waters to see how far we can push each other.

It's giving him every chance to break my heart and trusting him not to.

It's knowing this is going to last forever and not giving up on each other, 

even when times get hard.

 

That Girl

I'm that girl that holds a smile on her face,

even when things are a mess and her faith falls out of place.

I'm that girl who believes in taking chances for what I want,

instead of pretending to be happy as someone I'm not .

I'm that girl who's not afraid to let her emotions show,

and learns to go on as her feelings start to grow.

I'm that girl who would never give up on the love of her life,

because there are two paths she can make the wrong or the right.

I'm that girl who would travel a million miles away,

just to find the love that shes been waiting for everyday.

I'm that girl who doesn't care about what other people think of my style,

the one that savors every moment even if its only for a little while.

I'm that girl that can never keep a secret,

I'm shy but that doesn't mean I can ever keep it.

I'm that girl who kisses but doesn't believe,

because she's sad if she lets go and then her love would leave.

I'm that girl that people call weird, random, and dramatic,

but there's more to me if you'll listen behind all the noise and static.

I'm that girl that can cry and laugh all at the same time,

the one that's innocent looking but can commit a heartbroken crime.

I'm that girl that tries hard to push herself,

the one that doesn't care if she'll ever fit in to be cool.

I'm that girl you can call imperfect,

my hairs always a mess and I'm under a lot of pressure.

I'm really not so different as all the rest,

if it were up to me I'd say I come in second best.

I'm that girl who loves to laugh!

The one that can joke around until things get out of control.

The one who envy's those blond girls and their perfect lives,

meanwhile I'm stuck on this wild ride.

I'm that girl that loves to dream,

but this reality is not what it seems.

I've got fairytale ending waiting to come true.

It's another risk worth taking so what do I have to lose?

LET's ... GO..... COWB (nope!) TEXANS!!!

“It’s amazing, some people, they just say these small little things, one sentence and it changes the way you feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. It changes everything, nothing between you is ever really the same again, even if they don’t know it.”

I am SO excited about this upcoming weekend!!

For Rodney's birthday I have gone all out! I bought two tickets to the Texans vs. Raiders game at Reliant Stadium! They are END-ZONE seats! Here is a sample of what we will be seeing:

HECK YES!!!

I cannot tell you how EXCITED I AM!!!

Not only have I bought END-ZONE tickets... I got us PLATINUM parking passes and ... AND:

TWO TICKETS to the CHURRASCO's club! The Ultimate Tailgating experience!

Ask any true NFL fan and they'll tell you that getting ready for the big game means having the right environment. That's exactly what you'll find at the Houston Texans Churrascos Club, a distinguished pre-game party that takes "tailgating" to the next level

Inside the Methodist Training Center, you and your guests will savor a buffet that is second to none catered by Churrascos. Our menu is different for every game and will include great selections of premium restaurant food such as prime rib carving stations, roasted chicken breast, beef brisket, barbecued salmon, Cajun turkey breast, jumbo shrimp, seared pork medallions, pasta bar, salads, gourmet desserts and much more.

The all-inclusive Churrascos Club also serves beer, wine, mimosas, soft drinks and an open bar for cocktails. You will enjoy great entertainment including appearances by the Houston Texans Cheerleaders, NFL Alumni and other special guests.

 

Can you see why I am so excited! I mean I am a HUGE Cowboys fan but I have a feeling this is going to be SO much FUN! I cannot wait for this upcoming weekend! I am also going to try and set up dinner with his mom, brother and sister and his nieces and nephew. I hope everything pans out! Here is to the upcoming week!