Where do you go once you hit bottom? I feel nothing but numb. I don't feel like eating. I don't feel like doing anything but crying. Anytime one of our songs comes on, I have to fight to hold back my tears. I'm sick to my stomach because I feel just lost and broken. I know this was for the best but right now all I want to do is run into his arms and say I'm sorry.
Love isn't easy. Not in any way. When you find the right person they are worth the wait. They are worth the tears. They are worth the risk. I risked a lot with him. I gave him everything. And I don't regret anything. I gave him my all and I gave him my heart with no strings attached. I never wanted this to end up broken. I tried so hard to keep us together that I ended up pulling myself apart.
But looking from the bottom of this emotional pit, I'm having trouble seeing the light. I keep telling myself this was for the best and this is what needed to happen but it's really hard to let go of someone you truly love with no regrets. It's hard not knowing where things are going to end up and or if we will work things out. I mean that's all I hope for.
I cry myself to sleep thinking I made a huge mistake because I know with all of my heart that Rodney is the one person I want to be with. I don't have any desire to be with anyone else and it eats me up knowing I don't have him right now. I never knew my heart could love this much. I never knew how truly important he was until now.
Now I can only hope and pray that we work things out and start over. I don't want to waste my time flirting with anyone else, or trying to be with anyone else when I know where my heart lies and that's with Rodney.
As hard as it is to admit, I do believe this is going to be for the better but it's just so hard to understand and grasp that right now when I am surrounded by my friends who are happy in their relationships.
I think that's where my problem is. I try to create this perfect relationship and I can't do that. I have to create my own happiness and my own individual relationship with the man I love; instead of trying to be like the movies or like my friends relationships. I can't keep hoping for these "perfect" relationships, I have to be the one to make up my own perfect relationship.
So here it is technically day 4 of this madness and it's getting easier. Well maybe not easy but talking about it doesn't bring tears to my eyes. I still get choked up but I've deleted Facebook from my phone and I am going to restrict myself from getting on it because I have a habit of going to his page to see what's going on. And if I am going to take a break that kind of means I can't go looking for heartache.
It's not going to be easy but I've got to just learn to breathe again and evaluate what I really want. I know I want to be with Rodney. I know I love him beyond words. And in the end he is my own version of Prince Charming. But we've got to just take a break and breathe and realize how to get back to being happy.
It's a work in progress but if we both sit down and figure things out, separately, I think in the end everything will be okay. And you know what if it's not I have to be okay with him moving on. It does hurt to think that he could say all those things and then turn around and say them to someone else if we don't work out.
Like I said... it's a work in progress. I don't plan on dating anyone because I know that I want to figure this out with him and whether that takes weeks or months, it's got to either work or not. I think I'll be okay. I know I'll have my moments but love never fails... and I have my best friends and I have my family when I just need to cry.
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