Life doesn't always go the way you want it to go but it always turns out the way it should. You might fight and argue that it didn't turn out the way you thought it would but that's just the problem... you aren't in control. Never have been and never will be. Despite what you believe there is a higher source of power that controls your destiny.
Yeah, you are the master of your own ship and etc, but every choice you make impacts your next move in life.
Take for instance my relationship: it was great until it went bad, and honestly it never really went bad. We were just both at a point where we were holding on to each other by a thread. I was fighting do hold on to something that wasn't really there anymore. Something that I had put in my head and something that I wanted so bad... was something I was never going to get unless I was a Disney princess.
Yeah, some might argue that every girl deserves to be treated like a princess but SCREW THAT! I'd rather have a love where every fight makes us stronger. Where all he has to do is look at me that certain way he does with that smile that is better than anyone else and I fall in love all over again. The kind of love that when he holds my hand my heart skips a beat. The kind of love where we watch stupid movies and laugh. The kind of love that doesn't have to be measured by presents or money but by our hearts.
I had that. I had every bit of that and now I go to sleep with no one by my side. And you know what that is okay because right now it's about letting us live stress free right now. I will admit that yes, he gave me stress but you know what it was really me making myself more stressed out than I really needed to be.
But it was my decision to take a break and I cannot keep dwelling on the hurt. I can't keep thinking these negative thoughts about him finding someone else or not wanting to get back together. You know if that's what he wants to do then I will have to okay with that because ultimately I want him to be happy, even if that means he's not with me.
There's no reason to be upset. If we are meant to be together this will only help us. So now it's time for me to let go a little bit. Listening to our old songs helps me get through and gives me hope but when I listened to "Last Kiss" by Taylor Swift it really hit home. The lyrics are painful to listen to because I don't want this to happen:
All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
I know dwelling on what used to be isn't going to help. I know everything is going to work out, whatever happens, everything happens for a reason and I can't keep dwelling on something so stupid as him not coming back to me. It's only been a little over a week and it's time to let go, give him his space and learn to dance. Not really dance but do something fun and just learn new things and be adventurous.
Josh Abbott is our thing. The bands songs hold a lot of meaning to me and a lot of memories. They are in town this weekend and I think I am going to go. Yes, it will be hard because I have never been without him, but I think this will help a lot. Maybe it will help me, maybe it will bring back those memories in tidal waves but I think it will be a good step. It doesn't mean I'm moving on, my heart simply has no room to love anyone as much as I love Rodney, but I think just getting out there and dancing will just really be what I need.
There isn't anyone else I would want to be at that concert with except Rodney but I think part of this "healing" process is going to be going to Josh Abbott without him. Rodney is the right guy but maybe, just maybe, the timing isn't exactly right for us right now. Doesn't mean it won't be a few months from now but right now he needs to focus on school and getting through this semester and I need to focus on my job and my life.
When you give someone your heart, and not just bits a pieces, but your whole heart it's going to hurt not being with them. But every day gets a little easier and this next time I want to do this relationship right and I want it to be what we both want, and not just about my needs. There should always be TWO people in a relationship and when it becomes a one person relationship it's time to take a step back.
Life is a funny thing. Every single step, breath and choice leads you closer to your next step, breath and choice. Take chances. Take risks. You don't want to go through this life thinking you made a mistake. Sometimes it's going to feel that way but when you get through the hard times you'll understand why you went through them...
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