125

This being my 125th blog I think it's time to take a break from the blogging world.
I've got a lot going on in my life and right now blogging needs to be put on the back burner for now.
Blogging isn't the same thing and doesn't give me that same emotional effect as writing on a piece of paper with a pen or pencil.
I don't have to put everything down in this blog and some things probably should have remained to myself or in my journal, and not where anyone can read it.
I've got a lot more learning to do in life and in love and part of that is keeping certain things in my life private and in a journal and not so easily reachable.
Everything is a work in progress but there is a lot of hope and a lot of faith :)

So for now, I will say good-bye


Love,
J
 

Caught Up In This Moment

I know these past few weeks haven't really been everything we've wanted them to be but there's been more progress than we can see. I'm trying really hard not to be overbearing and pushy. I'm trying to let you have your time to yourself and time to just figure things out. But my heart wants nothing more to be connected to yours again.
I can't sit here and say this has been easy on me. I'm sure it hasn't been easy on you, either. But I don't know what you are feeling or thinking so I don't know how easy or hard this has been on you. It seems as if anything can trigger a memory of us. I mean I was in the car the other day and "Just a Kiss" came on and I remember that trip back from Houston where you asked me about what did I think our first dance would be to. You said "This" and I told you "Just a Kiss" and we listened to it and you turned to me and said, "Oh my gosh! This is it!... I'm getting goosebumps!"
I don't have to sit here and tell you how much  I care for you or that I still love you and that I'm not going anywhere, you already know all of this. What you don't know is everything that I have come to realize in these past two weeks.
Today, after moving some stuff in to our new house, I sat down and read some of our old messages, just to see if there was anything I could have done or said that might have triggered this whole break between us. I know about when it happened and I could understand why you would start to question.
Maybe you are scared to finally have found that one person you actually want to spend your life with. And I think my mistake was getting so wrapped up in the thought of our future together that I started to act like a wife and less like a girlfriend. That was my mistake and I'm sorry for that.
I was talking to someone the other day and they asked if I could redo everything in my relationship, would I change something or keep it the same. I said I would not change a single thing, even now, I still would not want to change anything about our relationship. I love our relationship and yeah, we had fights but we also have a chemistry that is undeniable and so evident between us. 
More importantly I love the person you are. I love you ambition, and willingness to help people. You have talent oozing out of your pores. You smile and your eyes never cease to amaze me. You've got passion to be better than your childhood and you have drive for a great future!
I could sit here and ramble on and on but I just wanted to jot down a few things before I went off to bed. I did not go to the Josh Abbott concert tonight and it wasn't just because I am sick... more importantly I'm not ready to be there without you. Josh Abbott is OUR thing and I know I would have been miserable, not just from the cold, but remembering the June 24th concert and how much passion and love we had.
We still have it. I know we do. And I'm sure time is what we need but you know what time is on our side. I do hope you are having fun at the TKE Halloween party because you deserve it for all that studying you have been doing! Just be safe and I'm am always just a phone call away...

Crazy [Boy] lyrics 

Rodney you gotta let me speak.
You really oughta know that I
Just have to walk away sometimes

We're gonna do what lovers do
We're gonna have a fight or two
But I ain't ever changing my mind

Crazy boy, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly Rodney come here let me show you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, boy?

I wouldn't last a single day
I'd probably just fade away
Without you I'm losing my mind

Before you ever came along
I was living life all wrong
The smartest thing you ever did was make me all yours!

Crazy boy, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly Rodney, come here let me show you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, boy?
Like crazy, boy

Crazy boy, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly Rodney come here let me show you
Have I told you lately I love you like

Crazy boy, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly Rodney come here let me show you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, boy?

Like crazy
Crazy boy
Like crazy
Crazy boy

"Someday, someone will walk into your life, and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else."

I Won't Ask You

How much time you need because I want you to take all the time YOU need.
Forget about me... YOU take what you need.
I will still be here :)
I know how you work...
I know you take your time to process things and honestly you need to focus on school.
I want you to focus on your future right now.
I am taking myself out of the picture.
I do hope we can still be friends, though, until we work through this.
I know it might take a few weeks or months to get back into friend mode after dating for about 6 months but I know we can do it.
Time is the only factor here.
So you take whatever the time you need.
Paint, draw and let your talent take you to the top of the world and don't hold back on your dreams.
I don't feel like I have to tell you how I feel right now because you know how I feel.
But know that I will be here when you are ready :)
 

They Say

They say: you don't know what you've 

got until it's gone. 

Truth: You knew exactly what you had, 

you just never thought you'd lose it.

If you read this, read the bold

I used to be a little bit shy
I kept my deepest feelings inside
Speaking up to you about my
Emotions has always been hard
But this just can't wait
Tonight I feel a little but brave
So I won't let one more day pass without you explaining what we are

Don't let me stop you
From doing what you want to do
You don't want to stick, trust me it's cool

No, don't let me stop you
A lot of things I can take
Got a high threshold for pain
But let's get one thing straight
I'm not down to share you with anyone

Even if I end up broken hearted

I won't lie, I don't wanna hear your goodbye

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We can make this work out baby
I know it’s true
I can’t picture myself with no one but you
And I think I got it right this time

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(remember this one?)

Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take this slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time
It will only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

No I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, oh, let's do this right, with just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight
Kiss goodnight

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

R,

I want you to promise me you will let your dreams take flight. I want you to give this semester hell and give it everything you've got. You have so much talent; beyond what you know you have. I'm sorry I hindered it. I'm sorry to have held you back. And I'm sorry to be a distraction from your dreams... 

Give 'em hell.

Love,

J

Getting Closer

To say that life is one crazy ride and you have to hold on tight or you lose control.
Life doesn't always go the way you want it to go but it always turns out the way it should. You might fight and argue that it didn't turn out the way you thought it would but that's just the problem... you aren't in control. Never have been and never will be. Despite what you believe there is a higher source of power that controls your destiny.

Yeah, you are the master of your own ship and etc, but every choice you make impacts your next move in life.
Take for instance my relationship: it was great until it went bad, and honestly it never really went bad. We were just both at a point where we were holding on to each other by a thread. I was fighting do hold on to something that wasn't really there anymore. Something that I had put in my head and something that I wanted so bad... was something I was never going to get unless I was a Disney princess.
Yeah, some might argue that every girl deserves to be treated like a princess but SCREW THAT! I'd rather have a love where every fight makes us stronger. Where all he has to do is look at me that certain way he does with that smile that is better than anyone else and I fall in love all over again. The kind of love that when he holds my hand my heart skips a beat. The kind of love where we watch stupid movies and laugh. The kind of love that doesn't have to be measured by presents or money but by our hearts.

I had that. I had every bit of that and now I go to sleep with no one by my side. And you know what that is okay because right now it's about letting us live stress free right now. I will admit that yes, he gave me stress but you know what it was really me making myself more stressed out than I really needed to be. 

But it was my decision to take a break and I cannot keep dwelling on the hurt. I can't keep thinking these negative thoughts about him finding someone else or not wanting to get back together. You know if that's what he wants to do then I will have to okay with that because ultimately I want him to be happy, even if that means he's not with me.

There's no reason to be upset. If we are meant to be together this will only help us. So now it's time for me to let go a little bit. Listening to our old songs helps me get through and gives me hope but when I listened to "Last Kiss" by Taylor Swift it really hit home. The lyrics are painful to listen to because I don't want this to happen:

All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
 

I know dwelling on what used to be isn't going to help. I know everything is going to work out, whatever happens, everything happens for a reason and I can't keep dwelling on something so stupid as him not coming back to me. It's only been a little over a week and it's time to let go, give him his space and learn to dance. Not really dance but do something fun and just learn new things and be adventurous.

Josh Abbott is our thing. The bands songs hold a lot of meaning to me and a lot of memories. They are in town this weekend and I think I am going to go. Yes, it will be hard because I have never been without him, but I think this will help a lot. Maybe it will help me, maybe it will bring back those memories in tidal waves but I think it will be a good step. It doesn't mean I'm moving on, my heart simply has no room to love anyone as much as I love Rodney, but I think just getting out there and dancing will just really be what I need.

There isn't anyone else I would want to be at that concert with except Rodney but I think part of this "healing" process is going to be going to Josh Abbott without him. Rodney is the right guy but maybe, just maybe, the timing isn't exactly right for us right now. Doesn't mean it won't be a few months from now but right now he needs to focus on school and getting through this semester and I need to focus on my job and my life.

When you give someone your heart, and not just bits a pieces, but your whole heart it's going to hurt not being with them. But every day gets a little easier and this next time I want to do this relationship right and I want it to be what we both want, and not just about my needs. There should always be TWO people in a relationship and when it becomes a one person relationship it's time to take a step back. 
Life is a funny thing. Every single step, breath and choice leads you closer to your next step, breath and choice. Take chances. Take risks. You don't want to go through this life thinking you made a mistake. Sometimes it's going to feel that way but when you get through the hard times you'll understand why you went through them...

Quotes for the time

“If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next… Don’t. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness. Don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present – each moment as it comes – because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart, where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again.”

"There is no true love and false love. What you feel as love is love."

"If you think I've given up on you, you're crazy, and if you think I don't love you, then you're just wrong."

"The difference between like, love and in love are the same differences between for now, for a while, and forever."

"We're so different. I still believe in us and I still believe in this. And as long as we have each other, I think we'll be alright."

"I keep telling myself that it`s going to be okay, that we will talk, that we will be friends I`m not so great at this whole optimism act, cause I`m still crying myself to sleep every night."  

"Yeah, I talk to other guys I laugh with other guys && I hug other guys But none of them will ever mean as much To me as you do."

"Love isn’t an act, it’s a whole life. It’s staying with her now because she needs you; it’s knowing you and she will still care about each other when sex and daydreams, fights and futures—when all that’s on the shelf and done with. Love—why, I’ll tell you what love is: it’s you at seventy-five and her at seventy-one, each of you listening for the others step in the next room, each afraid that a sudden silence, a sudden cry, could mean a lifetime’s talk is over. ” — Brian Moore

"A real relationship : Has fights. Has trust. Has faith. Has tears. Has hurt. Has sweet smiles. Has genuine laughter. Has snorts because of the laughter. Has weird, stupid, unnecessary arguments. Has patience. Has communication. Has secrets. Has jealousy. And most importantly, love. This is all just a mess that turns out beautiful & an experience that can never be forgotten. "