More Than Hope

Why am I afraid to show someone I am in to them?

I mean, I can express an interest but when they start to express and interest in me, for some reason my guard goes up and I become silent and reserved.

Maybe it's because for the past few years every time I let my guard down I always end up getting hurt and end up on the curb with all my baggage and tears.

I think I become reserved because I'm scared of getting hurt again.

I need to learn to let go of my past and just let life happen.

For the past couple of weeks I have been eying this guy.

Thursday we actually went out and I had a great time.

It was nice to hold his hand.

I actually sent a text to my mom tell her he was holding my hand.

It really brought a much needed smile to my face.

I cannot tell you what it felt like for someone to hold my hand.

For someone to express an interest in me.

For someone to see me.

It is a really nice feeling to feel.

I was very impressed whenever he stayed over and he respected my space.

I liked having someone next to me.

I liked having someone to snuggle with and put my arm around.

It might not seem like much but when for the past couple of years all you've had is your pillow to hug, it's nice to have something tangible to hold.

I wish I had to guts to express all this to him but I just can't.

I am not sure why I am not able to express how I really feel.

I know that I like him.

I know he has a smile worth 1,000 words and yet I can't even find one to start with.

I know his eyes are more kind than anything I have ever seen.

I know his hands are soft and can draw wondrous and beautiful things I myself could not even imagine.

And I know his heart is pure and caring.

It's really crazy that I can type this all out but when it comes to telling him,

I stand in the background and say nothing, hoping he might say everything that I am trying to.

I don't know why and I wish with all my heart that I could just  walk up to him and kiss him.

But I'm not that type of person to do something like that.

As much as I want to, I just don't know if I have that kind of risk taking in me.


"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

Listen

To the words that I say.

Listen to the words  unspoken.

Listen to the chemistry.

Listen to the passion.

Listen to your heart.

Everyone has that someone in their life. If they don't have them now, soon that person will show their face and come into your life. Maybe if people would take time to listen to the words unspoken then they might see that love and like and everything in between is there.

I'm not one to dish out "love advice" or anything of the sort. I believe every girl should be "chased" and sought after. Every girl, in my opinion, is worth "the chase".  So why some girls get chased and others have to do the chasing I have no idea.


I believe that if a girl asks a guy out to dinner or a movie or anywhere, she should pay. I think that it is only fair and it takes the pressure off of the guy. 

I believe that guys sometimes get the wrong idea about a pretty girl. Just because they might think she's "out of their league" they are too scared to make a move. You know no one is ever out of anyone's league. This stereotype is ridiculous and guys who think they are hot shit really have self confidence issues and usually end up with the girl that likes GLEE or plays saxophone.  


Why? Because she doesn't care about how hot he is and she doesn't elude him into this stupid mind set of he's out of her league. Because she makes him happy.

 I think that if a women wants to go out into the workforce to get her own job and bring in another income she should go out there and conquer the world. 

Personally, I want to own my own business this way I can stay home and raise my kids while still having a job. I want to be the one that raises my kids. I want to be the one who is there when my kids get sick or fall down or start to talk. I want to take my kids to school and pick them up. I don't want a nanny and I don't want a daycare to help me raise my kids. I want to be the one who my kids can run to when they have a bad dream or they just need a hug.

I do have a very different view of love or whatever you want to call it but the main part of love should be the words unspoken.

When you look into someones eyes you should feel something unspoken.

You should get lost in their voice.

You should feel lost when they aren't there.

You should want to touch them while touching their heart at the same time.

You should listen to what I say when I'm not saying anything.

 You should know that I like you.
 

Stuck in a rut

Okay, well here's the deal, I do like this guy but I am very confused as to why he won't text? Is he nervous or scared? I have no clue. He will post on my Facebook wall and send me messages but for some odd reason he has yet to text me. I just don't know what to do...

Do I ask him? I feel like that's a little much and kind of rude. I mean I am really out of my element here. I am usually the one who will text first or make the first "move" but since I don't have his number and I can't make that first move.. I'm just stuck here waiting and it's hard.

I'm in a different world and I am out of my element so where do I go from here?

That is a great question because I have no clue...

Well I figure that if he likes me, and I think (well hope) he does, then when HE is ready he will text or come into Smoothie King and do his thing. But say that never happens, it's okay. It's really not a big deal there are other fish in the sea and he is just another guy to have played with the emotional strings of my heart.

I mean, it is kind of a big deal because I do like him, a lot, but as the same time everyone comes into your life for a reason and my problem is I try and figure out why certain people come into my life. And this kind of gets me into hot water with not just myself but with some people. But you know certain situations arise and you have to start to question things sometimes...

I do hope that he isn't just in my life for me to dream about or think about because that would be torture. I just have to sit and wait it out with the most patience as possible and hopefully everything will come out and about the way I want or hope.

But if you are reading this and have any suggestions as to what to do please let me know because I could really use some good advice...

Just Maybe

As I sit here watching "Valentines Day" it makes me wonder what Valentines Day is going to be like for me this year...

Every other Valentines Day has been crap or lame or anything in between. It's nothing to get down and depressed about it's just something I have come to terms with in life. I could honestly care less about that stupid holiday. Not because of the bad memories than have been created but because so many people use this holiday and turn it into something commercial...

Anyways, enough rambling...

So you know that guy I said I liked, well I still like him (I think). Maybe I am just confused because of everything that has been happening recently with guys and how they have kind of just dropped me like a rock. But maybe he's just a little crush that I kind of have to decide if I want anything out of this or not.

I mean he has a really great smile and his eyes are some of the kindest eyes I have ever seen. But I don't know who he is. I mean I know who he is but I don't know WHO he is. I want to get to know him and know his likes and dislikes. I want to know what makes him smile and what not to say to make him mad. I want to know what makes him tick...

I know this is might sound stupid and maybe kind of dumb but I was too scared to give him my number via face to face, because one I have never done that and two because I got really nervous, so I sent him a message on Facebook.

I know, I know. I mean I know!

But what else was I suppose to do. I do like him but I think I just panicked and did the first thing I thought of. But hey if he doesn't respond, it's totally cool because I haven't really "invested" anything into him but I am really crossing my fingers that he does send me a text.

I mean really crossing my fingers, tightly.

But maybe people have to reach for the stars and just do something out of the ordinary for them.

Maybe, that is exactly what I did.

And maybe, just maybe, sometimes life happens and you can't do anything about it.

Listen to the Rain

Listen to the rain tapping on your window and you will hear more than just water hitting against the glass but you can hear the distant echoes of relaxation.
I could sit in my bed and listen to the tap tap tap of the rain for hours.
Something about the way the rain hits the window or falls on my cheeks while standing out side is beyond comparable to anything I have felt before.
Rain is just water.
I can stand in my shower and have water fall down on me and trickle down from my head to my toes, but there is something mysterious and romantic about the way rain falls.

Take a moment to listen and see where it takes you...

Nerves

So there is this guy and I sort of kind of like him.

It's really weird for me because after 3 months of absolutely no feelings for anyone here comes this guy out of no where with a smile like I've never seen before.

I'm like at a loss for words just thinking about asking him to hang out.

Maybe I'm crazy for liking someone again

But maybe, just maybe this guy is worth losing my words.

Or maybe he's worth taking a chance on.

Of course that is what I said last time and the time before that.

And we all know where those "relationships" got me...

I don't know what is going on.

I look in his eyes when I see him and nothing else exists.

I see his smile and it just makes me smile.

It's a smile worth 1000 words and I can't even find one...

I just hope that one day soon I can get up the guts to just see if he wants to hang.

Hopefully sooner rather than later, this way I don't miss out on another really great person...

Here's to luck!

The Simple Life

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Self-Image

Why is it that girl as young as 8 are concerned with the way they look? Why does it matter... they are 8 years old. Kids even younger than that are starting to be concerned with the way they look and it doesn't help that parents want their kid or kids to be the most stylish on the block.

I just cannot get over it. It makes me mad and upset mainly because I was constantly criticized for the way I looked, not just at school but sometimes at home from family members. My great-grandmother was very materialistic and there was a certain image in her head that she wanted everyone to look like and if you didn't look like she wanted, oh boy would she tell you.

I never really thought anything of my weight or how I looked until I was about 13 and I was told that I was never going to get a boyfriend by looking the way I did.

That's really hard to hear at the age of 13, especially when you went to a Jr. High where it was all about what you were wearing and how small you were, rather than personality and achievements.

For years, I have had a self-image that was lower than dirt. I went to Disney weighing 220 pounds. It was hard to handle walking up 17 flights of stairs every day and walking about 2 miles every day. And it wasn't until I had to buy a size 20 jeans that something snapped.

I didn't want to be that "fat friend". You know the one that you bring along because you feel sorry for them. Yeah, I was done! And it also helped that one of my roommates was psychotic about the way she looked and told me on a daily basis that I was ugly and fat.

So I was sick of hearing what everyone thought and was sick of looking down at my stomach that was protruding over my belt and I got up and gave those stairs my all!

But the sad part is, I do believe that someone would have fallen in love with me or dated me or whatever even if I was still a seize 20. It would not be easy because with the weight came a lot of looks, a lot of harsh words and a really bad self-image.

I really have never been one to say or I think that I am pretty. I have people tell me that I am or they think I am and I never believe them. Even to this day, 2 years and 50 pounds lighter, I still have a hard time believing I am pretty or gorgeous or beautiful or even mediocre.

If it was not for the magazines and the articles people see on the news racks girls would not have a problem with self-image or self-esteem. These magazines airbrush to the extreme sometimes and girls, even women, get the idea that that body belongs to that celebrity and they then create a dire need to look like that celebrity. It’s a very unhealthy society that we have created.

Now I didn’t lose the weight because I thought I should look a certain way, I lost the weight because when I went to the doctor he told me I was severely obese for my stature and frame, and this was when I was about 19 or 20.

Those words rang in my ear for days.

I, Jordan Van Voorhees, was obese…

It’s a crazy feeling that I never want to have again.

In high school and even in Jr. High I was very athletic and loved to play soccer and be outdoors and just be active. But something happened, something inside of me turned off in about the 12^th grade and I just did not care anymore.

I know what happened but it’s not fair to blame someone else for my overeating and lack of exercising.

I don’t think anyone should ever go off of a magazine and say they want to look exactly or somewhat like the person on the magazine cover. I mean I can take a picture of myself and photoshop it to where I look like Britney Spears.

Not everyone can look like Cameron Diaz or Britney Spears. Heck, I can’t even look like my own sister because every body is different and responds differently to everything.

So don’t let anyone tell you you are not worth anything looking the way you do.

It really takes a lot of courage for someone to get up off the couch and turn their life around.

I could have stayed the way I was and still lived my life.

But I don’t think I would have ever been happy.

I think that losing the weight is what I needed to gain some self-confidence and a little bit of self-esteem.

Now, I believe that I have the willpower and drive to tone up my body and just be happy. Not that I am not happy with the way I look now because I am and I would be okay looking the way I do, but as a soccer coach and as a manager for a health food store I believe it is beneficial to not only my health but for my self-image and my self-worth.

It took me 20 years to think that I was worth anything. When I say I had no self-esteem and no self-confidence I mean zip, zero, nada! My whole life revolved around sports and I was still the fat kid out on the field that everyone felt sorry for, at least that’s how I felt. Twenty years to believe in myself.

Sometimes I still have those days where I look in the mirror and see nothing but a blob. You know, even after losing 50 pounds, I still have issues with my self-image. Not because of the tabloids or the TV programs, or even my BMI, but because I believe I should look a certain way and when I don’t or say I eat too much I really become distant from myself and I hate it and I am ready to change it.

Self-image is very important. If you don’t feel like you are worth anything, something hasn’t clicked in your mind for you to feel as important as you truly are.

I’m not saying go and get liposuction or anything like that, but if you are tired of looking in the mirror and seeing nothing, look again because I can guarantee you will see the most beautiful reflection.

I’m going to tell you you have to do anything about feeling better about yourself but I am here to say that even a little confidence will get you further than not having any at all.

Yes, you are beautiful just the way you are.

And no one is here to say you aren’t.

I’m just expressing my feelings toward the tabloids and magazines that portray women as a material thing rather than something that is very valuable.

Take it from someone who went 20 years thinking she was nothing but a piece of dirt.

You can get up and change who YOU want to be!

I believe in you, and so will everyone else.

You just have to believe in yourself and believe that you could change the world if you wanted to.

But my whole speel about kids thinking they need to lose weight is because I felt tortured as a kid feeling like I NEEDED to be this certain weight or to look a certain way and I don't think any child or really anyone should go through with that.

You have the power to change your self-esteem, but you have to WANT to in order TO DO...

Graduate School

So today not only did I spend it freezing in my house because my heater broke, but I spend part of the day looking into graduate school.

As many of you may know I am planning on going to graduate school to get my MBA in general business. Why, you ask?

Because I am currently working on trying to own Smoothie King.

I want to get my MBA because I believe it will give me more of a chance and more of an opportunity to show the owners that I am serious about wanting to own Smoothie King.

I am really serious about this. I have lots of ideas and with my BA in advertising and having a minor in Radio/ TV, I kow I can build this Smoothie King up and bring in a ton of business!

I have the dedication and drive to build Smoothie King up! I want to own it and I want to own it , or at least be financing it out to the current owners, by the time I am 25!

So I have to get my head in the school game and figure out what I need to do to apply and get my self into the school of business!

Although I do plan to take a semester off to just work and coach and then take the plunge into graduate school!

So here is to hard work and determination!

My Journey Starts Here!

Okay so I am going to start a posting about my journey to lose these last 15-20 pounds. For the past month I have been sick so I have not been working out the way I used to and it has caught up with me because I swear I eat like a pregnant woman. And NO I am NOT pregnant!

Here we go with my journey to get healthy!
Stick with me cause I'm going to have some good days... oh and some really lazy days!

So here starts my journey...

January 01, 2011:
Starting weight: 178.4 lbs
Bust:
Waist:
Thighs:
Arms:
Hips:

(okay I have to find a tape measure lol so as soon as I find one I will edit and post my measurements)

Ohana means family

And family means no one gets left behind...

Family means a lot to me. It makes me feel complete and like I have something stable and tangible to hold on to. It doesn't matter where I am at I always know I have my family to keep me strong and hold me up.

Now recently my family has kind of fallen to pieces and now we are kind of like a broken mirror with missing pieces and jagged edges. You can't really piece us back together and I have come to terms with it and I have come to be okay with it.. It still hurts but it gets easier every day.

But I have recently come into a family who knows love and shares it with me. I met them in the spring of 2010 when I started coaching my soccer team the CrazyLegs. I grew closer to them during the summer and have sealed my place in their family this New Years.

It really warmed my heart when John Windham called me his adopted daughter. I have a lot of famlies out there, I mean really lol, but when John was introducing me to everyone at the house that I did not know it really made me want to cry, in a good way. I really felt like a part of a family, one where all the pieces where put together.

It really makes me feel connected to them when Cole and Tate tell me they love me. But when I was there watching the fireworks with the family there was a moment when it all clicked and it felt real. I love this family with all my heart and I am more than blessed to be considered "one of the family".