More Than Hope

Why am I afraid to show someone I am in to them?

I mean, I can express an interest but when they start to express and interest in me, for some reason my guard goes up and I become silent and reserved.

Maybe it's because for the past few years every time I let my guard down I always end up getting hurt and end up on the curb with all my baggage and tears.

I think I become reserved because I'm scared of getting hurt again.

I need to learn to let go of my past and just let life happen.

For the past couple of weeks I have been eying this guy.

Thursday we actually went out and I had a great time.

It was nice to hold his hand.

I actually sent a text to my mom tell her he was holding my hand.

It really brought a much needed smile to my face.

I cannot tell you what it felt like for someone to hold my hand.

For someone to express an interest in me.

For someone to see me.

It is a really nice feeling to feel.

I was very impressed whenever he stayed over and he respected my space.

I liked having someone next to me.

I liked having someone to snuggle with and put my arm around.

It might not seem like much but when for the past couple of years all you've had is your pillow to hug, it's nice to have something tangible to hold.

I wish I had to guts to express all this to him but I just can't.

I am not sure why I am not able to express how I really feel.

I know that I like him.

I know he has a smile worth 1,000 words and yet I can't even find one to start with.

I know his eyes are more kind than anything I have ever seen.

I know his hands are soft and can draw wondrous and beautiful things I myself could not even imagine.

And I know his heart is pure and caring.

It's really crazy that I can type this all out but when it comes to telling him,

I stand in the background and say nothing, hoping he might say everything that I am trying to.

I don't know why and I wish with all my heart that I could just  walk up to him and kiss him.

But I'm not that type of person to do something like that.

As much as I want to, I just don't know if I have that kind of risk taking in me.


"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."