125

This being my 125th blog I think it's time to take a break from the blogging world.
I've got a lot going on in my life and right now blogging needs to be put on the back burner for now.
Blogging isn't the same thing and doesn't give me that same emotional effect as writing on a piece of paper with a pen or pencil.
I don't have to put everything down in this blog and some things probably should have remained to myself or in my journal, and not where anyone can read it.
I've got a lot more learning to do in life and in love and part of that is keeping certain things in my life private and in a journal and not so easily reachable.
Everything is a work in progress but there is a lot of hope and a lot of faith :)

So for now, I will say good-bye


Love,
J
 

Caught Up In This Moment

I know these past few weeks haven't really been everything we've wanted them to be but there's been more progress than we can see. I'm trying really hard not to be overbearing and pushy. I'm trying to let you have your time to yourself and time to just figure things out. But my heart wants nothing more to be connected to yours again.
I can't sit here and say this has been easy on me. I'm sure it hasn't been easy on you, either. But I don't know what you are feeling or thinking so I don't know how easy or hard this has been on you. It seems as if anything can trigger a memory of us. I mean I was in the car the other day and "Just a Kiss" came on and I remember that trip back from Houston where you asked me about what did I think our first dance would be to. You said "This" and I told you "Just a Kiss" and we listened to it and you turned to me and said, "Oh my gosh! This is it!... I'm getting goosebumps!"
I don't have to sit here and tell you how much  I care for you or that I still love you and that I'm not going anywhere, you already know all of this. What you don't know is everything that I have come to realize in these past two weeks.
Today, after moving some stuff in to our new house, I sat down and read some of our old messages, just to see if there was anything I could have done or said that might have triggered this whole break between us. I know about when it happened and I could understand why you would start to question.
Maybe you are scared to finally have found that one person you actually want to spend your life with. And I think my mistake was getting so wrapped up in the thought of our future together that I started to act like a wife and less like a girlfriend. That was my mistake and I'm sorry for that.
I was talking to someone the other day and they asked if I could redo everything in my relationship, would I change something or keep it the same. I said I would not change a single thing, even now, I still would not want to change anything about our relationship. I love our relationship and yeah, we had fights but we also have a chemistry that is undeniable and so evident between us. 
More importantly I love the person you are. I love you ambition, and willingness to help people. You have talent oozing out of your pores. You smile and your eyes never cease to amaze me. You've got passion to be better than your childhood and you have drive for a great future!
I could sit here and ramble on and on but I just wanted to jot down a few things before I went off to bed. I did not go to the Josh Abbott concert tonight and it wasn't just because I am sick... more importantly I'm not ready to be there without you. Josh Abbott is OUR thing and I know I would have been miserable, not just from the cold, but remembering the June 24th concert and how much passion and love we had.
We still have it. I know we do. And I'm sure time is what we need but you know what time is on our side. I do hope you are having fun at the TKE Halloween party because you deserve it for all that studying you have been doing! Just be safe and I'm am always just a phone call away...

Crazy [Boy] lyrics 

Rodney you gotta let me speak.
You really oughta know that I
Just have to walk away sometimes

We're gonna do what lovers do
We're gonna have a fight or two
But I ain't ever changing my mind

Crazy boy, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly Rodney come here let me show you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, boy?

I wouldn't last a single day
I'd probably just fade away
Without you I'm losing my mind

Before you ever came along
I was living life all wrong
The smartest thing you ever did was make me all yours!

Crazy boy, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly Rodney, come here let me show you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, boy?
Like crazy, boy

Crazy boy, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly Rodney come here let me show you
Have I told you lately I love you like

Crazy boy, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly Rodney come here let me show you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, boy?

Like crazy
Crazy boy
Like crazy
Crazy boy

"Someday, someone will walk into your life, and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else."

I Won't Ask You

How much time you need because I want you to take all the time YOU need.
Forget about me... YOU take what you need.
I will still be here :)
I know how you work...
I know you take your time to process things and honestly you need to focus on school.
I want you to focus on your future right now.
I am taking myself out of the picture.
I do hope we can still be friends, though, until we work through this.
I know it might take a few weeks or months to get back into friend mode after dating for about 6 months but I know we can do it.
Time is the only factor here.
So you take whatever the time you need.
Paint, draw and let your talent take you to the top of the world and don't hold back on your dreams.
I don't feel like I have to tell you how I feel right now because you know how I feel.
But know that I will be here when you are ready :)
 

They Say

They say: you don't know what you've 

got until it's gone. 

Truth: You knew exactly what you had, 

you just never thought you'd lose it.

If you read this, read the bold

I used to be a little bit shy
I kept my deepest feelings inside
Speaking up to you about my
Emotions has always been hard
But this just can't wait
Tonight I feel a little but brave
So I won't let one more day pass without you explaining what we are

Don't let me stop you
From doing what you want to do
You don't want to stick, trust me it's cool

No, don't let me stop you
A lot of things I can take
Got a high threshold for pain
But let's get one thing straight
I'm not down to share you with anyone

Even if I end up broken hearted

I won't lie, I don't wanna hear your goodbye

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We can make this work out baby
I know it’s true
I can’t picture myself with no one but you
And I think I got it right this time

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(remember this one?)

Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take this slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time
It will only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

No I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, oh, let's do this right, with just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight
Kiss goodnight

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

R,

I want you to promise me you will let your dreams take flight. I want you to give this semester hell and give it everything you've got. You have so much talent; beyond what you know you have. I'm sorry I hindered it. I'm sorry to have held you back. And I'm sorry to be a distraction from your dreams... 

Give 'em hell.

Love,

J

Getting Closer

To say that life is one crazy ride and you have to hold on tight or you lose control.
Life doesn't always go the way you want it to go but it always turns out the way it should. You might fight and argue that it didn't turn out the way you thought it would but that's just the problem... you aren't in control. Never have been and never will be. Despite what you believe there is a higher source of power that controls your destiny.

Yeah, you are the master of your own ship and etc, but every choice you make impacts your next move in life.
Take for instance my relationship: it was great until it went bad, and honestly it never really went bad. We were just both at a point where we were holding on to each other by a thread. I was fighting do hold on to something that wasn't really there anymore. Something that I had put in my head and something that I wanted so bad... was something I was never going to get unless I was a Disney princess.
Yeah, some might argue that every girl deserves to be treated like a princess but SCREW THAT! I'd rather have a love where every fight makes us stronger. Where all he has to do is look at me that certain way he does with that smile that is better than anyone else and I fall in love all over again. The kind of love that when he holds my hand my heart skips a beat. The kind of love where we watch stupid movies and laugh. The kind of love that doesn't have to be measured by presents or money but by our hearts.

I had that. I had every bit of that and now I go to sleep with no one by my side. And you know what that is okay because right now it's about letting us live stress free right now. I will admit that yes, he gave me stress but you know what it was really me making myself more stressed out than I really needed to be. 

But it was my decision to take a break and I cannot keep dwelling on the hurt. I can't keep thinking these negative thoughts about him finding someone else or not wanting to get back together. You know if that's what he wants to do then I will have to okay with that because ultimately I want him to be happy, even if that means he's not with me.

There's no reason to be upset. If we are meant to be together this will only help us. So now it's time for me to let go a little bit. Listening to our old songs helps me get through and gives me hope but when I listened to "Last Kiss" by Taylor Swift it really hit home. The lyrics are painful to listen to because I don't want this to happen:

All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
 

I know dwelling on what used to be isn't going to help. I know everything is going to work out, whatever happens, everything happens for a reason and I can't keep dwelling on something so stupid as him not coming back to me. It's only been a little over a week and it's time to let go, give him his space and learn to dance. Not really dance but do something fun and just learn new things and be adventurous.

Josh Abbott is our thing. The bands songs hold a lot of meaning to me and a lot of memories. They are in town this weekend and I think I am going to go. Yes, it will be hard because I have never been without him, but I think this will help a lot. Maybe it will help me, maybe it will bring back those memories in tidal waves but I think it will be a good step. It doesn't mean I'm moving on, my heart simply has no room to love anyone as much as I love Rodney, but I think just getting out there and dancing will just really be what I need.

There isn't anyone else I would want to be at that concert with except Rodney but I think part of this "healing" process is going to be going to Josh Abbott without him. Rodney is the right guy but maybe, just maybe, the timing isn't exactly right for us right now. Doesn't mean it won't be a few months from now but right now he needs to focus on school and getting through this semester and I need to focus on my job and my life.

When you give someone your heart, and not just bits a pieces, but your whole heart it's going to hurt not being with them. But every day gets a little easier and this next time I want to do this relationship right and I want it to be what we both want, and not just about my needs. There should always be TWO people in a relationship and when it becomes a one person relationship it's time to take a step back. 
Life is a funny thing. Every single step, breath and choice leads you closer to your next step, breath and choice. Take chances. Take risks. You don't want to go through this life thinking you made a mistake. Sometimes it's going to feel that way but when you get through the hard times you'll understand why you went through them...

Quotes for the time

“If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next… Don’t. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness. Don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present – each moment as it comes – because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart, where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again.”

"There is no true love and false love. What you feel as love is love."

"If you think I've given up on you, you're crazy, and if you think I don't love you, then you're just wrong."

"The difference between like, love and in love are the same differences between for now, for a while, and forever."

"We're so different. I still believe in us and I still believe in this. And as long as we have each other, I think we'll be alright."

"I keep telling myself that it`s going to be okay, that we will talk, that we will be friends I`m not so great at this whole optimism act, cause I`m still crying myself to sleep every night."  

"Yeah, I talk to other guys I laugh with other guys && I hug other guys But none of them will ever mean as much To me as you do."

"Love isn’t an act, it’s a whole life. It’s staying with her now because she needs you; it’s knowing you and she will still care about each other when sex and daydreams, fights and futures—when all that’s on the shelf and done with. Love—why, I’ll tell you what love is: it’s you at seventy-five and her at seventy-one, each of you listening for the others step in the next room, each afraid that a sudden silence, a sudden cry, could mean a lifetime’s talk is over. ” — Brian Moore

"A real relationship : Has fights. Has trust. Has faith. Has tears. Has hurt. Has sweet smiles. Has genuine laughter. Has snorts because of the laughter. Has weird, stupid, unnecessary arguments. Has patience. Has communication. Has secrets. Has jealousy. And most importantly, love. This is all just a mess that turns out beautiful & an experience that can never be forgotten. "

Time Heals

Okay so here is where I am at this point in time:

The more I talk about my relationship with Rodney the more I realize where I was in the wrong. Talking about it has actually helped a lot, despite being a hard subject but I don't really cry anymore, I actually have hope that things are going to be okay. Though I do not have any control of his emotions or his thoughts, it's okay because he needs his time just as I need mine. Here is what I come come to terms with...

1) the expectations I set up for him were too far for him to reach. Yes, there are certain expectations that any girl would expect but most of mine came from movies or TV shows. That is where my problem is, I relied too heavily on those high expectations to lead me to the perfect relationship... the thing is I had the perfect relationship (for me) and I let it get out of control and let the expectations take hold. Those expectations, like surprising me with flowers at my door step or when I was at my softball games I would look over at the stands and he would be there without ever telling me he was going to show up, were set way too high and there was no way even a guy from a movie would have been able to reach these expectations.

2) there were certain situations where I should have put him first rather than trying to make it about me. Yes, my feelings are important but when I make it all about me all the time it makes the relationship all about me rather than the two of us.

3) love is  a game of give and take. If I am doing all the giving I don't give him a chance to give to me. So those high expectations I set, once again he's not going to be able to reach them if I am giving and giving and giving without the opportunity to give back.

This is what I have come up with since I've had time to think. So far it's been pretty productive and the more I talk about it with my best friends the more it helps me realize where I was in the wrong and what I need to do to improve my relationship with Rodney.

Truth is I love him. We all knew/ know this, but until I was given this chance to step back and asses everything I don't think I was ever going to be able to see these things. Still need some time but hopefully, and with all the hope in my heart, things work out between us because despite getting upset about stupid small things Rodney really knew how to love me. And I couldn't ask for anything more.

Clarity

This...

Where do you go once you hit bottom? I feel nothing but numb. I don't feel like eating. I don't feel like doing anything but crying. Anytime one of our songs comes on, I have to fight to hold back my tears. I'm sick to my stomach because I feel just lost and broken. I know this was for the best but right now all I want to do is run into his arms and say I'm sorry.

Love isn't easy. Not in any way. When you find the right person they are worth the wait. They are worth the tears. They are worth the risk. I risked a lot with him. I gave him everything. And I don't regret anything. I gave him my all and I gave him my heart with no strings attached. I never wanted this to end up broken. I tried so hard to keep us together that I ended up pulling myself apart.

But looking from the bottom of this emotional pit, I'm having trouble seeing the light. I keep telling myself this was for the best and this is what needed to happen but it's really hard to let go of someone you truly love with no regrets. It's hard not knowing where things are going to end up and or if we will work things out. I mean that's all I hope for.

I cry myself to sleep thinking I made a huge mistake because I know with all of my heart that Rodney is the one person I want to be with. I don't have any desire to be with anyone else and it eats me up knowing I don't have him right now. I never knew my heart could love this much. I never knew how truly important he was until now.

Now I can only hope and pray that we work things out and start over. I don't want to waste my time flirting with anyone else, or trying to be with anyone else when I know where my heart lies and that's with Rodney.

As hard as it is to admit, I do believe this is going to be for the better but it's just so hard to understand and grasp that right now when I am surrounded by my friends who are happy in their relationships.

I think that's where my problem is. I try to create this perfect relationship and I can't do that. I have to create my own happiness and my own individual relationship with the man I love; instead of trying to be like the movies or like my friends relationships. I can't keep hoping for these "perfect" relationships, I have to be the one to make up my own perfect relationship.

So here it is technically day 4 of this madness and it's getting easier. Well maybe not easy but talking about it doesn't bring tears to my eyes. I still get choked up but I've deleted Facebook from my phone and I am going to restrict myself from getting on it because I have a habit of going to his page to see what's going on. And if I am going to take a break that kind of means I can't go looking for heartache.

It's not going to be easy but I've got to just learn to breathe again and evaluate what I really want. I know I want to be with Rodney. I know I love him beyond words. And in the end he is my own version of Prince Charming. But we've got to just take a break and breathe and realize how to get back to being happy.

It's a work in progress but if we both sit down and figure things out, separately,  I think in the end everything will be okay. And you know what if it's not I have to be okay with him moving on. It does hurt to think that he could say all those things and then turn around and say them to someone else if we don't work out.

Like I said... it's a work in progress. I don't plan on dating anyone because I know that I want to figure this out with him and whether that takes weeks or months, it's got to either work or not. I think I'll be okay. I know I'll have my moments but love never fails... and I have my best friends and I have my family when I just need to cry.

Empty Space

What I can’t say

Do you know that feeling, when you come here, meaning to write because you can’t talk about it, because you can’t run from it but you can’t run it out, either? Coming here, having so much to say, so many emotions crammed into your chest, squeezing the breath out of you, so many things to tell someone, but there really isn’t anyone who would understand so you don’t think you should even start trying - and then realizing you don’t have the words to fill in the blank expanse of space stretching out in front of you.
I have that feeling, sometimes. Like no one in the world understands, even though I know most people probably feel the same way at one point in time or another.
Inescapably lonely, and irrevocably mute.

What is Love

What does love mean to you?

To me.. 

Love is the smile on his face any time I walk in to a room.

It's the feeling I get when I see him smile.

It's the pain I feel when he's not near.

It's the fight he puts up when I think about walking away.

It's the passion in his kisses.

It's the talks about our future together.

It's the fear of losing each other.

It's more than those three words he tells me.

It's sitting at a baseball game and getting a picture together.

It's the chance to spend the weekend together.

It's visiting him at work for 10 minutes, knowing I might not get to see him the next day.

It's listening to his laugh and having it put a smile on my face.

It's watching him do something he loves.

It's getting exited about going to an NFL game together!

It's when he holds my hand and tells me he's missed me.

It's fighting to the point of tears and then the sorrys' that come after.

It's getting jealous of his ex-girlfriend and having him tell me I have nothing to worry about.

It's not getting to hug him and then holding him like I'm never going to see him again.

It's laughing at something funny on TV.

It's going to see Lion King 3D and admiring how he looks in 3D glasses.

It's falling asleep in his arms on the couch and having him move a piece of hair out of my face.

It's kissing my forehead when I'm upset.

It's making fun of each other.

It's a two hour car ride.

It's getting stressed out over something small.

It's testing the waters to see how far we can push each other.

It's giving him every chance to break my heart and trusting him not to.

It's knowing this is going to last forever and not giving up on each other, 

even when times get hard.

 

That Girl

I'm that girl that holds a smile on her face,

even when things are a mess and her faith falls out of place.

I'm that girl who believes in taking chances for what I want,

instead of pretending to be happy as someone I'm not .

I'm that girl who's not afraid to let her emotions show,

and learns to go on as her feelings start to grow.

I'm that girl who would never give up on the love of her life,

because there are two paths she can make the wrong or the right.

I'm that girl who would travel a million miles away,

just to find the love that shes been waiting for everyday.

I'm that girl who doesn't care about what other people think of my style,

the one that savors every moment even if its only for a little while.

I'm that girl that can never keep a secret,

I'm shy but that doesn't mean I can ever keep it.

I'm that girl who kisses but doesn't believe,

because she's sad if she lets go and then her love would leave.

I'm that girl that people call weird, random, and dramatic,

but there's more to me if you'll listen behind all the noise and static.

I'm that girl that can cry and laugh all at the same time,

the one that's innocent looking but can commit a heartbroken crime.

I'm that girl that tries hard to push herself,

the one that doesn't care if she'll ever fit in to be cool.

I'm that girl you can call imperfect,

my hairs always a mess and I'm under a lot of pressure.

I'm really not so different as all the rest,

if it were up to me I'd say I come in second best.

I'm that girl who loves to laugh!

The one that can joke around until things get out of control.

The one who envy's those blond girls and their perfect lives,

meanwhile I'm stuck on this wild ride.

I'm that girl that loves to dream,

but this reality is not what it seems.

I've got fairytale ending waiting to come true.

It's another risk worth taking so what do I have to lose?

LET's ... GO..... COWB (nope!) TEXANS!!!

“It’s amazing, some people, they just say these small little things, one sentence and it changes the way you feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. It changes everything, nothing between you is ever really the same again, even if they don’t know it.”

I am SO excited about this upcoming weekend!!

For Rodney's birthday I have gone all out! I bought two tickets to the Texans vs. Raiders game at Reliant Stadium! They are END-ZONE seats! Here is a sample of what we will be seeing:

HECK YES!!!

I cannot tell you how EXCITED I AM!!!

Not only have I bought END-ZONE tickets... I got us PLATINUM parking passes and ... AND:

TWO TICKETS to the CHURRASCO's club! The Ultimate Tailgating experience!

Ask any true NFL fan and they'll tell you that getting ready for the big game means having the right environment. That's exactly what you'll find at the Houston Texans Churrascos Club, a distinguished pre-game party that takes "tailgating" to the next level

Inside the Methodist Training Center, you and your guests will savor a buffet that is second to none catered by Churrascos. Our menu is different for every game and will include great selections of premium restaurant food such as prime rib carving stations, roasted chicken breast, beef brisket, barbecued salmon, Cajun turkey breast, jumbo shrimp, seared pork medallions, pasta bar, salads, gourmet desserts and much more.

The all-inclusive Churrascos Club also serves beer, wine, mimosas, soft drinks and an open bar for cocktails. You will enjoy great entertainment including appearances by the Houston Texans Cheerleaders, NFL Alumni and other special guests.

 

Can you see why I am so excited! I mean I am a HUGE Cowboys fan but I have a feeling this is going to be SO much FUN! I cannot wait for this upcoming weekend! I am also going to try and set up dinner with his mom, brother and sister and his nieces and nephew. I hope everything pans out! Here is to the upcoming week!