All on the line

I stare at this empty blog page and that's kind of what I feel empty. I did, however, finally muscle up the courage to go and talk to him. It went okay. It's not as if I was looking for him to miss me so much and be miserable and take me back then and there, no... I was just looking for some answers, and I did get them. He said that he is very focused on him and what is happening for him right now and that adding something else to his plate isn't really what he wants to do right now. I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he said no, he doesn't have time and doesn't want to. I asked him if he has given up on us and he said he hadn't given up just put us on the back burner. He wants it to be right before we pick it up again...

What happens if it's never right? What happens if this is the end? I don't think I am okay with that... How does love just end like that? Why did it take getting out of my relationship to see how much I miss my relationship and how much I really do care for him?

I simply cannot write anything bad.. I just don't think this is the end. Maybe I'm so blinded by what's really going on that I choose not to see that maybe he has given up.. I just cannot believe for one second that that is what has happened.

We're just at two different spots in our lives right now and I can't rush that. I can't rush him into this again because last time, well, we all know where that ended up... me upset nearly 24/7. I want it to be right. I want this to be everything we've ever wanted and I want it with him.

I don't care if there are other fish out in the freaking sea... I don't want any other fish. I found my one fish and I'm done. Yes, the fish is putting up a fight but you know it takes a lot of strength to real in a fish that's actually worth the fight.

I just can't wrap my brain around the thought of him moving on and leaving me behind. I just know, now, not to listen to anyone else and to only listen to myself and my heart. But, I'm not giving up until he says he doesn't love me anymore.. until that day my heart won't give up.

I finally found that one person I've heard everyone else talk about and refer to. I finally found that one person on this Earth that makes my heart feel and come alive when I am around him. That one person who makes fairytales seem retarded because I was living in my own and it was more real than anything I have ever felt. Every kiss sent this feeling through me that I won't forget. Every time he held my hand, I never wanted to let go. Any time we would lye next to each other, I can't describe the connection between us. 

It's hard to give up or let go or move on when you've put so much of your heart into something. It's just a natural feeling to be with him. Even when I went and saw him today, hadn't seen him in about a month, and it was like nothing was different... even though we all know what's going on.

Sometimes my brain confuses me because it starts thinking one thing but my heart refuses to let go. I've never known my heart to hold on to something like this. It's completely different than anything before. But as long as my heart knows then I know. I've just got to learn to trust it more.

So here are to the next few months. Yes, it's going to take a little longer than I thought but one day everything will work out and I'll be happy. Not that I'm not now, but once this passes and everything gets back to the way it's meant to be, hopefully my big ol' smile can get back on my face and have a permanent stay :)

Anything worth fighting for isn't easy and "the course of true love never did run smooth..."

-J

Sometimes Life Happens...

Things fall apart so better things can fall together...

Not sure if I entirely believe this, just because of my current situation with the guy I love. I don't think we fell apart so we could fall in love with someone else, I think we fell apart so we could fall back together but where it's better than before.

This weekend was a little tougher than I expected. I wanted him to be there to help me paint or hang up photos or give his input as to where to put things. I just wanted him to be a part of this next step in my life. I still very much love him and am hanging on with every ounce of hope I have left. If he wasn't important I don't think I would have held on for this long; as a matter of fact I know I wouldn't have. If he didn't mean the world to me, I would just move on and fall for someone else.

But that's exactly it... I don't want to fall for anyone else. Truth is, if I could be with anyone in the world, I would still want to be with him. Even with my love for Miles Austin, I just love Rodney more and want to be with him. I just hope he is still hanging on to me.

I know Rodney isn't the type of guy to tell someone, anyone for that matter, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with them if he didn't truly mean it. Or that he loves me more than any non-related person he has ever met or that I am the person for him in everyway... if he didn't truly mean every single one of those words.

I still have hope. I still have a lot of hope, just some days are harder than other, but as Eli Young Band says:

You gotta fail a thousand times
before you see it through.
You gotta spend your last dime
before you ever make a million.
You gotta know what brought you here
and you gotta lose to persevere.
But it’s the way the sun will rise
through the darkest night.
yeah it’s always been worth the fight.

I listened to "Love Don't Run" for the first time since we've been on this break and it brought back so many memories and a tear rolled down my cheek because that song still has so much meaning to me...

Breaking Dawn

So I went and saw the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn and I kept have one reoccurring thought... You. The wedding, the bliss, the happiness, the memories, the kiss at the alter. It all reminded me of why I am still here, waiting for us to happen again. I don't want to spend my life with anyone else but you. I want that moment at the alter with you. When those doors open and I look up to see my future... I want to see you. My heart found the rhythm of the best by finding you. I never knew what love was until you, and only you, gave it the only meaning I'll ever need. Please don't give up. The thought of you loving someone else and marrying someone else is beyond hard to even think about. I keep waiting for the day you send me a Facebook message or call me or even text me to tell me to meet you somewhere. I'm still 100% in this and I hope you are too...

Suddenly

I have come to the point where I have accepted that things are not fit to work out, maybe not right now and maybe not ever again, but the important thing is that he taught me what love was and I can't thank him enough. I'm not saying it's over, I'm just saying that as of right now there doesn't look like this thing between the two of us is going to work. It's not a bad thing, and it's all going to be okay.

Whatever is meant to be will work out perfectly; and I can't accept anything but that. No regrets, nothing. My heart isn't telling me to move on it's just telling me to step back and let it be what it's suppose to be. After this weekend, I know I am going to be okay. I haven't "moved on" but I've accepted that now is the time to just be friends and when it's time we'll see if we both want to start over.

It's crazy to think that I've finally gotten to that point. I have been listening to "Goodbye" by Miley Cyrus and it's actually given me a lot of hope that everything will work out. And you know what it will. I believe that if he really wanted to get over me and be done with what we have he would have already started dating someone else. So there's always an up side to every situation, you just might have to look a little harder :)

Here is everything I've wanted to say for the past couple of weeks...

 

 

For now

The only thing I can give you that means remotely anything is my heart; and I hope that's enough for you. When I told you I loved you, I didn't mean "I love you right now or only in this moment", I meant it in a "I'm going to love you forever until the day I die. I'm going to love all of you and not regret anything. I'm going to give you the one thing that is so fragile that even glass looks like steal. That one thing is my heart and I only want you to have it."

Ugh, okay to be honest I'm really sick of talking about this. When and if we get back together then it will be great and better than before because I have learned a lot but I just don't really have the urge to blog any more. It's weird. That last blog kind of said everything I need to say. I've got to have time to grow and really learn to value Rodney for who he is and what he brings to the relationship.

So I think this is it for now, until I feel the need to talk about something, but then again I have my friends to talk with :)

Love them with all my heart!

-J   

"Somewhere Love Remains"

Found this song that really explains everything
"Somewhere Love Remains" by Lady Antebellum

Now is time where I just kind of let it all loose, as if I hadn't done that before, but I think this time will be a little different because I'm at a point where I can't hold anything back and am hoping Rodney reads this...

Rodney,
I'm really at a loss for words. I gave you my heart; I gave it all to you. I don't want this to be over. I never wanted this to be over. I never wanted any of this. I just wanted you to care. I thought by taking a break everything would work itself out. I thought this break would have been over by now. You don't talk to me, you don't even acknowledge my existence. I don't know where to go from here. I can't keep holding on to you if you aren't even going to show any emotion. Do you still want to give this a try? Have you thought about talking to me?

Sometimes I read that message you sent me on October 14th and then I stare at that message box and think about typing something. But all I do is stare because I can't think of anything to say to you anymore. I've said everything I can and that my heart will allow me to. I can't say anything to you to change your mind. You've already moved on. If I was really everything you told me I was you would have already come after me, and I know you would have.

It's silly but I secretly hope that when I have a message in my inbox that it's you. When I hear that "ting" from my text message tone I so desperately want it to be you texting me telling me you want to talk. I get nervous when I see those updates because I'm so scared that one of them i going to be a status update from you saying you've moved on or you've met someone or you're going on a date. 

I wanted it all. I wanted you. I had you. And I threw it away. Just let it slip right out of my hands... And I have regretted it since the night I packed up your stuff. I made a rash judgment and listened to people who I shouldn't have. I should have trusted my heart and known if I had just talked to you we could have worked something out. We could have worked through whatever it was that was going on. I just gave up. I just let it all go. 


I want to tell you I'll still be here in the end but right now I don't know anymore. Each day that passes I slowly start losing hope. The love I have for you will never fade or go away, it runs through every vein I have. I miss you like crazy; like the sun misses the flower during winter. 

My feelings are so unbelievably mixed and I'm so confused. Sometimes I am okay and I can keep my emotions beneath my belt and under wraps but other days it seems like I create this bubble where I have no hope of this ever working out again. 

I want you to know that I still care, I still love you and I do want everything to work out.

But that’s the thing. Love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.
 

Love is a funny thing. People expect it to be easy. People expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect him to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect him to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans.

Love happens and it is so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. 

What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.

Love isn’t him calming you down when you yell. It’s me yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn’t him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable.

It’s after a long fight that drains the life and bones right out of you both leaving you exhausted that he shows up at your door the next morning anyway. It’s not him saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. 

So no, it’s not him caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It’s me standing there, admitting I'm just as scared as you are.

You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved. You’ve unknowingly put your life and your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here, do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it.

It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. Because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in, feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It’s about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. 

Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it’s a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole.

 Please don't give up because I still want to fight for what we have...

Sometimes Life Happens... and you just have to accept it

It's taken about three weeks but I think I've finally gotten to the point emotionally where I'm okay with everything that's going on. I've come to the conclusion that I have to view this break as a "break-up" because if I don't in my head I still tell myself I'm with him. After talking through everything, and when I say everything, I mean everything! I've just kind of come to the realization, and actually realized it where it clicked, that time is the reoccurring element and that is what we both need. I have to be able to make my own way in this life. I still love him and he knows that. He still loves me, and I know that. So why the heck was I so concerned about him leaving me and everything being a lie? I have no idea...

It's taken a while but I'm glad I'm finally there. I'm glad I can choose to look the other way, even though my heart might still ache, I'm glad I'm strong enough to be able to. So if that means waiting until next year or next summer, I think I'll be okay. I'll be ready when he's ready and if that means waiting until the fall of 2012 then so be it. But for right now I've got to focus on me and I am so ready for it!

Ready to run, for no reason other than to see the road less traveled. No reason other than for me!

I don't really much else to say. I'm looking at life in a new light and I'm glad to finally be at this point where I have nothing but true hope to last me a lifetime.

Here's to the upcoming days and everything that comes with them :)

Sometimes Life Happens... and you just have to accept it.

-Jordan

A Little Hope

The issue of forgiveness has been taking a role in your love affairs, Pisces, and today you will find some longed for clarity on this issue. Despite your initial assumptions, this is a situation where you both need to make some steps when it comes to forgiveness. You both can and will forgive and be forgiven, and progress is possible if you approach this issue with this perspective. Do not bog yourself down with a heavy or intense conversation. This is the kind of match that happens once in a lifetime, and all you need to do is simply smile and start over. You both understand each other enough to know that the forgiveness is mutual, you don't need heavy words to portray this.

The Story of Us

So, here I am, once again blogging :) And you know what I don't care! So what if someone gets upset about when I blog, you know I don't care anymore! I've held on for too long... I thought by now we would have at least talked or figured out what's going on. And we've gotten no where, so I'm going to blog and blog my heart away!

I'm not telling you I'm giving up, I'm telling you I've come to the realization that this between us is over. For right now, at least. I'm not giving up all hope but as of right now I've got to let you go. I can't hold on to you and keep hoping you're going to come around, when it's looking like you're not. If you were really upset or really wanted to be with me I kind of feel like you would have come after me or at least made contact by now. 

So I'm going to let you go and pretend you don't exist right now. I'm going to have fun and not think about how I can fix this. I can't hold on any longer if you aren't going to fight for me. I at least deserve that! I deserve that!

I'm not going to stop loving you, my heart simply has no room for anyone else but I'm getting a sense that you've already kind of made the steps to move on. True love doesn't just come and go but maybe it takes a break. I can't keep thinking this is going to magically get better because it's not. It's something we both have to work on and I've got to learn to be okay with out you. 

Days might get hard but I have the memories and you know what right now those are great memories. I do get a little peeved when you tell me not to do something, like blogging. Blogging is how I cope with things; I sit in front of the screen and just let my fingers do the typing. Asking me not to blog would be like asking you not to paint or draw. I'm not going to ask you to stop doing something that is part of you and that helps you cope or release tension or anger or heartache.

I get that you need time but I thought 3 weeks would have been enough. Maybe I'm the one in the wrong by thinking this would have all been fixed by now. But maybe I at least had hope for us and right now you seem to be lacking in that area.

I've been listening to Taylor Swift's song "The Story of Us" and it has really helped out a lot, I don't know how but it's kind of opened my eyes to the fact that right now is not our time. Only time will tell what is in store. Maybe one day you'll finally realize I was worth it, that you should have fought for me. I hope it's soon.

Now is my time to just let you go and learn what's it's like to be me again with nothing held back.

THE STORY OF US

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,
How we met and the sparks flew instantly,
People would say, "They're the lucky ones."
I used to know my place was a spot next to you,
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat,
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.

Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fall-out.
So many things that I wish you knew,
So many walls that I can't break through.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

Next chapter.

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,
And you're doing your best to avoid me.
I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us,
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,
But you held your pride like you should've held me.

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like they care less,
But I liked it better when you were on my side.
The battle's in your hands now,
But I would lay my armor down
If you said you'd rather love than fight.
So many things that you wished I knew,
But the story of us might be ending soon.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now.
And we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate 'cause we're going down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

The end.