"Somewhere Love Remains" by Lady Antebellum
Now is time where I just kind of let it all loose, as if I hadn't done that before, but I think this time will be a little different because I'm at a point where I can't hold anything back and am hoping Rodney reads this...
Rodney,
I'm really at a loss for words. I gave you my heart; I gave it all to you. I don't want this to be over. I never wanted this to be over. I never wanted any of this. I just wanted you to care. I thought by taking a break everything would work itself out. I thought this break would have been over by now. You don't talk to me, you don't even acknowledge my existence. I don't know where to go from here. I can't keep holding on to you if you aren't even going to show any emotion. Do you still want to give this a try? Have you thought about talking to me?
Sometimes I read that message you sent me on October 14th and then I stare at that message box and think about typing something. But all I do is stare because I can't think of anything to say to you anymore. I've said everything I can and that my heart will allow me to. I can't say anything to you to change your mind. You've already moved on. If I was really everything you told me I was you would have already come after me, and I know you would have.
It's silly but I secretly hope that when I have a message in my inbox that it's you. When I hear that "ting" from my text message tone I so desperately want it to be you texting me telling me you want to talk. I get nervous when I see those updates because I'm so scared that one of them i going to be a status update from you saying you've moved on or you've met someone or you're going on a date.
I wanted it all. I wanted you. I had you. And I threw it away. Just let it slip right out of my hands... And I have regretted it since the night I packed up your stuff. I made a rash judgment and listened to people who I shouldn't have. I should have trusted my heart and known if I had just talked to you we could have worked something out. We could have worked through whatever it was that was going on. I just gave up. I just let it all go.
I want to tell you I'll still be here in the end but right now I don't know anymore. Each day that passes I slowly start losing hope. The love I have for you will never fade or go away, it runs through every vein I have. I miss you like crazy; like the sun misses the flower during winter.
My feelings are so unbelievably mixed and I'm so confused. Sometimes I am okay and I can keep my emotions beneath my belt and under wraps but other days it seems like I create this bubble where I have no hope of this ever working out again.
I want you to know that I still care, I still love you and I do want everything to work out.
But that’s the thing. Love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.
Love is a funny thing. People expect it to be easy. People expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect him to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect him to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans.
Love happens and it is so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it.
What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.
Love isn’t him calming you down when you yell. It’s me yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn’t him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable.
It’s after a long fight that drains the life and bones right out of you both leaving you exhausted that he shows up at your door the next morning anyway. It’s not him saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you.
So no, it’s not him caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It’s me standing there, admitting I'm just as scared as you are.
You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved. You’ve unknowingly put your life and your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here, do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it.
It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. Because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in, feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It’s about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway.
Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it’s a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole.
Please don't give up because I still want to fight for what we have...
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