I stare at this empty blog page and that's kind of what I feel empty. I did, however, finally muscle up the courage to go and talk to him. It went okay. It's not as if I was looking for him to miss me so much and be miserable and take me back then and there, no... I was just looking for some answers, and I did get them. He said that he is very focused on him and what is happening for him right now and that adding something else to his plate isn't really what he wants to do right now. I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he said no, he doesn't have time and doesn't want to. I asked him if he has given up on us and he said he hadn't given up just put us on the back burner. He wants it to be right before we pick it up again...
What happens if it's never right? What happens if this is the end? I don't think I am okay with that... How does love just end like that? Why did it take getting out of my relationship to see how much I miss my relationship and how much I really do care for him?
I simply cannot write anything bad.. I just don't think this is the end. Maybe I'm so blinded by what's really going on that I choose not to see that maybe he has given up.. I just cannot believe for one second that that is what has happened.
We're just at two different spots in our lives right now and I can't rush that. I can't rush him into this again because last time, well, we all know where that ended up... me upset nearly 24/7. I want it to be right. I want this to be everything we've ever wanted and I want it with him.
I don't care if there are other fish out in the freaking sea... I don't want any other fish. I found my one fish and I'm done. Yes, the fish is putting up a fight but you know it takes a lot of strength to real in a fish that's actually worth the fight.
I just can't wrap my brain around the thought of him moving on and leaving me behind. I just know, now, not to listen to anyone else and to only listen to myself and my heart. But, I'm not giving up until he says he doesn't love me anymore.. until that day my heart won't give up.
I finally found that one person I've heard everyone else talk about and refer to. I finally found that one person on this Earth that makes my heart feel and come alive when I am around him. That one person who makes fairytales seem retarded because I was living in my own and it was more real than anything I have ever felt. Every kiss sent this feeling through me that I won't forget. Every time he held my hand, I never wanted to let go. Any time we would lye next to each other, I can't describe the connection between us.
It's hard to give up or let go or move on when you've put so much of your heart into something. It's just a natural feeling to be with him. Even when I went and saw him today, hadn't seen him in about a month, and it was like nothing was different... even though we all know what's going on.
Sometimes my brain confuses me because it starts thinking one thing but my heart refuses to let go. I've never known my heart to hold on to something like this. It's completely different than anything before. But as long as my heart knows then I know. I've just got to learn to trust it more.
So here are to the next few months. Yes, it's going to take a little longer than I thought but one day everything will work out and I'll be happy. Not that I'm not now, but once this passes and everything gets back to the way it's meant to be, hopefully my big ol' smile can get back on my face and have a permanent stay :)
Anything worth fighting for isn't easy and "the course of true love never did run smooth..."
-J
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