Horoscopes

12.02.11
Your emotions are up down and all around, Pisces, when it comes to the game of love. Whether you are single or attached, you are in a period where you are feeling like you have stormy skies one minute, and blue skies the next. This is a period where you don't want to get too carried away by the stormy energy, but rather focus on what it is that makes you happy and fulfilled during those blue sky days. If you have been missing someone from the past, then you will want to tighten your focus in this direction. It is possible that you have misjudged a situation and there is a way to work things out, but you will need to make the next move here.

12.03.11

You may have been experiencing some sadness when it comes to romance, Pisces, but you can take control of this situation and overcome it. It is possible that you have been missing someone or their presence in your life, and this is a good period for you to reconnect. The universe is sending this energy of missing someone to let you know that they will be very receptive to hearing from you as well. You don't need to take a step that is heavy or intense, as light hearted things are the markers of this energy. Be friendly and light and easy, and write a note or make a call to this person you have been missing. This connection has been put in your life for a reason, and the universe is saying that purpose has not been fulfilled, so you may want to do something about that to overcome this blue period.  

All on the line

I stare at this empty blog page and that's kind of what I feel empty. I did, however, finally muscle up the courage to go and talk to him. It went okay. It's not as if I was looking for him to miss me so much and be miserable and take me back then and there, no... I was just looking for some answers, and I did get them. He said that he is very focused on him and what is happening for him right now and that adding something else to his plate isn't really what he wants to do right now. I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he said no, he doesn't have time and doesn't want to. I asked him if he has given up on us and he said he hadn't given up just put us on the back burner. He wants it to be right before we pick it up again...

What happens if it's never right? What happens if this is the end? I don't think I am okay with that... How does love just end like that? Why did it take getting out of my relationship to see how much I miss my relationship and how much I really do care for him?

I simply cannot write anything bad.. I just don't think this is the end. Maybe I'm so blinded by what's really going on that I choose not to see that maybe he has given up.. I just cannot believe for one second that that is what has happened.

We're just at two different spots in our lives right now and I can't rush that. I can't rush him into this again because last time, well, we all know where that ended up... me upset nearly 24/7. I want it to be right. I want this to be everything we've ever wanted and I want it with him.

I don't care if there are other fish out in the freaking sea... I don't want any other fish. I found my one fish and I'm done. Yes, the fish is putting up a fight but you know it takes a lot of strength to real in a fish that's actually worth the fight.

I just can't wrap my brain around the thought of him moving on and leaving me behind. I just know, now, not to listen to anyone else and to only listen to myself and my heart. But, I'm not giving up until he says he doesn't love me anymore.. until that day my heart won't give up.

I finally found that one person I've heard everyone else talk about and refer to. I finally found that one person on this Earth that makes my heart feel and come alive when I am around him. That one person who makes fairytales seem retarded because I was living in my own and it was more real than anything I have ever felt. Every kiss sent this feeling through me that I won't forget. Every time he held my hand, I never wanted to let go. Any time we would lye next to each other, I can't describe the connection between us. 

It's hard to give up or let go or move on when you've put so much of your heart into something. It's just a natural feeling to be with him. Even when I went and saw him today, hadn't seen him in about a month, and it was like nothing was different... even though we all know what's going on.

Sometimes my brain confuses me because it starts thinking one thing but my heart refuses to let go. I've never known my heart to hold on to something like this. It's completely different than anything before. But as long as my heart knows then I know. I've just got to learn to trust it more.

So here are to the next few months. Yes, it's going to take a little longer than I thought but one day everything will work out and I'll be happy. Not that I'm not now, but once this passes and everything gets back to the way it's meant to be, hopefully my big ol' smile can get back on my face and have a permanent stay :)

Anything worth fighting for isn't easy and "the course of true love never did run smooth..."

-J

Sometimes Life Happens...

Things fall apart so better things can fall together...

Not sure if I entirely believe this, just because of my current situation with the guy I love. I don't think we fell apart so we could fall in love with someone else, I think we fell apart so we could fall back together but where it's better than before.

This weekend was a little tougher than I expected. I wanted him to be there to help me paint or hang up photos or give his input as to where to put things. I just wanted him to be a part of this next step in my life. I still very much love him and am hanging on with every ounce of hope I have left. If he wasn't important I don't think I would have held on for this long; as a matter of fact I know I wouldn't have. If he didn't mean the world to me, I would just move on and fall for someone else.

But that's exactly it... I don't want to fall for anyone else. Truth is, if I could be with anyone in the world, I would still want to be with him. Even with my love for Miles Austin, I just love Rodney more and want to be with him. I just hope he is still hanging on to me.

I know Rodney isn't the type of guy to tell someone, anyone for that matter, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with them if he didn't truly mean it. Or that he loves me more than any non-related person he has ever met or that I am the person for him in everyway... if he didn't truly mean every single one of those words.

I still have hope. I still have a lot of hope, just some days are harder than other, but as Eli Young Band says:

You gotta fail a thousand times
before you see it through.
You gotta spend your last dime
before you ever make a million.
You gotta know what brought you here
and you gotta lose to persevere.
But it’s the way the sun will rise
through the darkest night.
yeah it’s always been worth the fight.

I listened to "Love Don't Run" for the first time since we've been on this break and it brought back so many memories and a tear rolled down my cheek because that song still has so much meaning to me...

Breaking Dawn

So I went and saw the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn and I kept have one reoccurring thought... You. The wedding, the bliss, the happiness, the memories, the kiss at the alter. It all reminded me of why I am still here, waiting for us to happen again. I don't want to spend my life with anyone else but you. I want that moment at the alter with you. When those doors open and I look up to see my future... I want to see you. My heart found the rhythm of the best by finding you. I never knew what love was until you, and only you, gave it the only meaning I'll ever need. Please don't give up. The thought of you loving someone else and marrying someone else is beyond hard to even think about. I keep waiting for the day you send me a Facebook message or call me or even text me to tell me to meet you somewhere. I'm still 100% in this and I hope you are too...

Suddenly

I have come to the point where I have accepted that things are not fit to work out, maybe not right now and maybe not ever again, but the important thing is that he taught me what love was and I can't thank him enough. I'm not saying it's over, I'm just saying that as of right now there doesn't look like this thing between the two of us is going to work. It's not a bad thing, and it's all going to be okay.

Whatever is meant to be will work out perfectly; and I can't accept anything but that. No regrets, nothing. My heart isn't telling me to move on it's just telling me to step back and let it be what it's suppose to be. After this weekend, I know I am going to be okay. I haven't "moved on" but I've accepted that now is the time to just be friends and when it's time we'll see if we both want to start over.

It's crazy to think that I've finally gotten to that point. I have been listening to "Goodbye" by Miley Cyrus and it's actually given me a lot of hope that everything will work out. And you know what it will. I believe that if he really wanted to get over me and be done with what we have he would have already started dating someone else. So there's always an up side to every situation, you just might have to look a little harder :)

Here is everything I've wanted to say for the past couple of weeks...

 

 

For now

The only thing I can give you that means remotely anything is my heart; and I hope that's enough for you. When I told you I loved you, I didn't mean "I love you right now or only in this moment", I meant it in a "I'm going to love you forever until the day I die. I'm going to love all of you and not regret anything. I'm going to give you the one thing that is so fragile that even glass looks like steal. That one thing is my heart and I only want you to have it."

Ugh, okay to be honest I'm really sick of talking about this. When and if we get back together then it will be great and better than before because I have learned a lot but I just don't really have the urge to blog any more. It's weird. That last blog kind of said everything I need to say. I've got to have time to grow and really learn to value Rodney for who he is and what he brings to the relationship.

So I think this is it for now, until I feel the need to talk about something, but then again I have my friends to talk with :)

Love them with all my heart!

-J   

"Somewhere Love Remains"

Found this song that really explains everything
"Somewhere Love Remains" by Lady Antebellum

Now is time where I just kind of let it all loose, as if I hadn't done that before, but I think this time will be a little different because I'm at a point where I can't hold anything back and am hoping Rodney reads this...

Rodney,
I'm really at a loss for words. I gave you my heart; I gave it all to you. I don't want this to be over. I never wanted this to be over. I never wanted any of this. I just wanted you to care. I thought by taking a break everything would work itself out. I thought this break would have been over by now. You don't talk to me, you don't even acknowledge my existence. I don't know where to go from here. I can't keep holding on to you if you aren't even going to show any emotion. Do you still want to give this a try? Have you thought about talking to me?

Sometimes I read that message you sent me on October 14th and then I stare at that message box and think about typing something. But all I do is stare because I can't think of anything to say to you anymore. I've said everything I can and that my heart will allow me to. I can't say anything to you to change your mind. You've already moved on. If I was really everything you told me I was you would have already come after me, and I know you would have.

It's silly but I secretly hope that when I have a message in my inbox that it's you. When I hear that "ting" from my text message tone I so desperately want it to be you texting me telling me you want to talk. I get nervous when I see those updates because I'm so scared that one of them i going to be a status update from you saying you've moved on or you've met someone or you're going on a date. 

I wanted it all. I wanted you. I had you. And I threw it away. Just let it slip right out of my hands... And I have regretted it since the night I packed up your stuff. I made a rash judgment and listened to people who I shouldn't have. I should have trusted my heart and known if I had just talked to you we could have worked something out. We could have worked through whatever it was that was going on. I just gave up. I just let it all go. 


I want to tell you I'll still be here in the end but right now I don't know anymore. Each day that passes I slowly start losing hope. The love I have for you will never fade or go away, it runs through every vein I have. I miss you like crazy; like the sun misses the flower during winter. 

My feelings are so unbelievably mixed and I'm so confused. Sometimes I am okay and I can keep my emotions beneath my belt and under wraps but other days it seems like I create this bubble where I have no hope of this ever working out again. 

I want you to know that I still care, I still love you and I do want everything to work out.

But that’s the thing. Love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.
 

Love is a funny thing. People expect it to be easy. People expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect him to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect him to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans.

Love happens and it is so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. 

What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.

Love isn’t him calming you down when you yell. It’s me yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn’t him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable.

It’s after a long fight that drains the life and bones right out of you both leaving you exhausted that he shows up at your door the next morning anyway. It’s not him saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. 

So no, it’s not him caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It’s me standing there, admitting I'm just as scared as you are.

You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved. You’ve unknowingly put your life and your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here, do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it.

It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. Because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in, feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It’s about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. 

Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it’s a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole.

 Please don't give up because I still want to fight for what we have...

Sometimes Life Happens... and you just have to accept it

It's taken about three weeks but I think I've finally gotten to the point emotionally where I'm okay with everything that's going on. I've come to the conclusion that I have to view this break as a "break-up" because if I don't in my head I still tell myself I'm with him. After talking through everything, and when I say everything, I mean everything! I've just kind of come to the realization, and actually realized it where it clicked, that time is the reoccurring element and that is what we both need. I have to be able to make my own way in this life. I still love him and he knows that. He still loves me, and I know that. So why the heck was I so concerned about him leaving me and everything being a lie? I have no idea...

It's taken a while but I'm glad I'm finally there. I'm glad I can choose to look the other way, even though my heart might still ache, I'm glad I'm strong enough to be able to. So if that means waiting until next year or next summer, I think I'll be okay. I'll be ready when he's ready and if that means waiting until the fall of 2012 then so be it. But for right now I've got to focus on me and I am so ready for it!

Ready to run, for no reason other than to see the road less traveled. No reason other than for me!

I don't really much else to say. I'm looking at life in a new light and I'm glad to finally be at this point where I have nothing but true hope to last me a lifetime.

Here's to the upcoming days and everything that comes with them :)

Sometimes Life Happens... and you just have to accept it.

-Jordan

A Little Hope

The issue of forgiveness has been taking a role in your love affairs, Pisces, and today you will find some longed for clarity on this issue. Despite your initial assumptions, this is a situation where you both need to make some steps when it comes to forgiveness. You both can and will forgive and be forgiven, and progress is possible if you approach this issue with this perspective. Do not bog yourself down with a heavy or intense conversation. This is the kind of match that happens once in a lifetime, and all you need to do is simply smile and start over. You both understand each other enough to know that the forgiveness is mutual, you don't need heavy words to portray this.

The Story of Us

So, here I am, once again blogging :) And you know what I don't care! So what if someone gets upset about when I blog, you know I don't care anymore! I've held on for too long... I thought by now we would have at least talked or figured out what's going on. And we've gotten no where, so I'm going to blog and blog my heart away!

I'm not telling you I'm giving up, I'm telling you I've come to the realization that this between us is over. For right now, at least. I'm not giving up all hope but as of right now I've got to let you go. I can't hold on to you and keep hoping you're going to come around, when it's looking like you're not. If you were really upset or really wanted to be with me I kind of feel like you would have come after me or at least made contact by now. 

So I'm going to let you go and pretend you don't exist right now. I'm going to have fun and not think about how I can fix this. I can't hold on any longer if you aren't going to fight for me. I at least deserve that! I deserve that!

I'm not going to stop loving you, my heart simply has no room for anyone else but I'm getting a sense that you've already kind of made the steps to move on. True love doesn't just come and go but maybe it takes a break. I can't keep thinking this is going to magically get better because it's not. It's something we both have to work on and I've got to learn to be okay with out you. 

Days might get hard but I have the memories and you know what right now those are great memories. I do get a little peeved when you tell me not to do something, like blogging. Blogging is how I cope with things; I sit in front of the screen and just let my fingers do the typing. Asking me not to blog would be like asking you not to paint or draw. I'm not going to ask you to stop doing something that is part of you and that helps you cope or release tension or anger or heartache.

I get that you need time but I thought 3 weeks would have been enough. Maybe I'm the one in the wrong by thinking this would have all been fixed by now. But maybe I at least had hope for us and right now you seem to be lacking in that area.

I've been listening to Taylor Swift's song "The Story of Us" and it has really helped out a lot, I don't know how but it's kind of opened my eyes to the fact that right now is not our time. Only time will tell what is in store. Maybe one day you'll finally realize I was worth it, that you should have fought for me. I hope it's soon.

Now is my time to just let you go and learn what's it's like to be me again with nothing held back.

THE STORY OF US

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,
How we met and the sparks flew instantly,
People would say, "They're the lucky ones."
I used to know my place was a spot next to you,
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat,
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.

Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fall-out.
So many things that I wish you knew,
So many walls that I can't break through.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

Next chapter.

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,
And you're doing your best to avoid me.
I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us,
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,
But you held your pride like you should've held me.

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like they care less,
But I liked it better when you were on my side.
The battle's in your hands now,
But I would lay my armor down
If you said you'd rather love than fight.
So many things that you wished I knew,
But the story of us might be ending soon.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now.
And we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate 'cause we're going down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

The end.

125

This being my 125th blog I think it's time to take a break from the blogging world.
I've got a lot going on in my life and right now blogging needs to be put on the back burner for now.
Blogging isn't the same thing and doesn't give me that same emotional effect as writing on a piece of paper with a pen or pencil.
I don't have to put everything down in this blog and some things probably should have remained to myself or in my journal, and not where anyone can read it.
I've got a lot more learning to do in life and in love and part of that is keeping certain things in my life private and in a journal and not so easily reachable.
Everything is a work in progress but there is a lot of hope and a lot of faith :)

So for now, I will say good-bye


Love,
J
 

Caught Up In This Moment

I know these past few weeks haven't really been everything we've wanted them to be but there's been more progress than we can see. I'm trying really hard not to be overbearing and pushy. I'm trying to let you have your time to yourself and time to just figure things out. But my heart wants nothing more to be connected to yours again.
I can't sit here and say this has been easy on me. I'm sure it hasn't been easy on you, either. But I don't know what you are feeling or thinking so I don't know how easy or hard this has been on you. It seems as if anything can trigger a memory of us. I mean I was in the car the other day and "Just a Kiss" came on and I remember that trip back from Houston where you asked me about what did I think our first dance would be to. You said "This" and I told you "Just a Kiss" and we listened to it and you turned to me and said, "Oh my gosh! This is it!... I'm getting goosebumps!"
I don't have to sit here and tell you how much  I care for you or that I still love you and that I'm not going anywhere, you already know all of this. What you don't know is everything that I have come to realize in these past two weeks.
Today, after moving some stuff in to our new house, I sat down and read some of our old messages, just to see if there was anything I could have done or said that might have triggered this whole break between us. I know about when it happened and I could understand why you would start to question.
Maybe you are scared to finally have found that one person you actually want to spend your life with. And I think my mistake was getting so wrapped up in the thought of our future together that I started to act like a wife and less like a girlfriend. That was my mistake and I'm sorry for that.
I was talking to someone the other day and they asked if I could redo everything in my relationship, would I change something or keep it the same. I said I would not change a single thing, even now, I still would not want to change anything about our relationship. I love our relationship and yeah, we had fights but we also have a chemistry that is undeniable and so evident between us. 
More importantly I love the person you are. I love you ambition, and willingness to help people. You have talent oozing out of your pores. You smile and your eyes never cease to amaze me. You've got passion to be better than your childhood and you have drive for a great future!
I could sit here and ramble on and on but I just wanted to jot down a few things before I went off to bed. I did not go to the Josh Abbott concert tonight and it wasn't just because I am sick... more importantly I'm not ready to be there without you. Josh Abbott is OUR thing and I know I would have been miserable, not just from the cold, but remembering the June 24th concert and how much passion and love we had.
We still have it. I know we do. And I'm sure time is what we need but you know what time is on our side. I do hope you are having fun at the TKE Halloween party because you deserve it for all that studying you have been doing! Just be safe and I'm am always just a phone call away...

Crazy [Boy] lyrics 

Rodney you gotta let me speak.
You really oughta know that I
Just have to walk away sometimes

We're gonna do what lovers do
We're gonna have a fight or two
But I ain't ever changing my mind

Crazy boy, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly Rodney come here let me show you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, boy?

I wouldn't last a single day
I'd probably just fade away
Without you I'm losing my mind

Before you ever came along
I was living life all wrong
The smartest thing you ever did was make me all yours!

Crazy boy, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly Rodney, come here let me show you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, boy?
Like crazy, boy

Crazy boy, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly Rodney come here let me show you
Have I told you lately I love you like

Crazy boy, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly Rodney come here let me show you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, boy?

Like crazy
Crazy boy
Like crazy
Crazy boy

"Someday, someone will walk into your life, and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else."

I Won't Ask You

How much time you need because I want you to take all the time YOU need.
Forget about me... YOU take what you need.
I will still be here :)
I know how you work...
I know you take your time to process things and honestly you need to focus on school.
I want you to focus on your future right now.
I am taking myself out of the picture.
I do hope we can still be friends, though, until we work through this.
I know it might take a few weeks or months to get back into friend mode after dating for about 6 months but I know we can do it.
Time is the only factor here.
So you take whatever the time you need.
Paint, draw and let your talent take you to the top of the world and don't hold back on your dreams.
I don't feel like I have to tell you how I feel right now because you know how I feel.
But know that I will be here when you are ready :)
 

They Say

They say: you don't know what you've 

got until it's gone. 

Truth: You knew exactly what you had, 

you just never thought you'd lose it.

If you read this, read the bold

I used to be a little bit shy
I kept my deepest feelings inside
Speaking up to you about my
Emotions has always been hard
But this just can't wait
Tonight I feel a little but brave
So I won't let one more day pass without you explaining what we are

Don't let me stop you
From doing what you want to do
You don't want to stick, trust me it's cool

No, don't let me stop you
A lot of things I can take
Got a high threshold for pain
But let's get one thing straight
I'm not down to share you with anyone

Even if I end up broken hearted

I won't lie, I don't wanna hear your goodbye

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We can make this work out baby
I know it’s true
I can’t picture myself with no one but you
And I think I got it right this time

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(remember this one?)

Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take this slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time
It will only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

No I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, oh, let's do this right, with just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight
Kiss goodnight

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

R,

I want you to promise me you will let your dreams take flight. I want you to give this semester hell and give it everything you've got. You have so much talent; beyond what you know you have. I'm sorry I hindered it. I'm sorry to have held you back. And I'm sorry to be a distraction from your dreams... 

Give 'em hell.

Love,

J

Getting Closer

To say that life is one crazy ride and you have to hold on tight or you lose control.
Life doesn't always go the way you want it to go but it always turns out the way it should. You might fight and argue that it didn't turn out the way you thought it would but that's just the problem... you aren't in control. Never have been and never will be. Despite what you believe there is a higher source of power that controls your destiny.

Yeah, you are the master of your own ship and etc, but every choice you make impacts your next move in life.
Take for instance my relationship: it was great until it went bad, and honestly it never really went bad. We were just both at a point where we were holding on to each other by a thread. I was fighting do hold on to something that wasn't really there anymore. Something that I had put in my head and something that I wanted so bad... was something I was never going to get unless I was a Disney princess.
Yeah, some might argue that every girl deserves to be treated like a princess but SCREW THAT! I'd rather have a love where every fight makes us stronger. Where all he has to do is look at me that certain way he does with that smile that is better than anyone else and I fall in love all over again. The kind of love that when he holds my hand my heart skips a beat. The kind of love where we watch stupid movies and laugh. The kind of love that doesn't have to be measured by presents or money but by our hearts.

I had that. I had every bit of that and now I go to sleep with no one by my side. And you know what that is okay because right now it's about letting us live stress free right now. I will admit that yes, he gave me stress but you know what it was really me making myself more stressed out than I really needed to be. 

But it was my decision to take a break and I cannot keep dwelling on the hurt. I can't keep thinking these negative thoughts about him finding someone else or not wanting to get back together. You know if that's what he wants to do then I will have to okay with that because ultimately I want him to be happy, even if that means he's not with me.

There's no reason to be upset. If we are meant to be together this will only help us. So now it's time for me to let go a little bit. Listening to our old songs helps me get through and gives me hope but when I listened to "Last Kiss" by Taylor Swift it really hit home. The lyrics are painful to listen to because I don't want this to happen:

All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
 

I know dwelling on what used to be isn't going to help. I know everything is going to work out, whatever happens, everything happens for a reason and I can't keep dwelling on something so stupid as him not coming back to me. It's only been a little over a week and it's time to let go, give him his space and learn to dance. Not really dance but do something fun and just learn new things and be adventurous.

Josh Abbott is our thing. The bands songs hold a lot of meaning to me and a lot of memories. They are in town this weekend and I think I am going to go. Yes, it will be hard because I have never been without him, but I think this will help a lot. Maybe it will help me, maybe it will bring back those memories in tidal waves but I think it will be a good step. It doesn't mean I'm moving on, my heart simply has no room to love anyone as much as I love Rodney, but I think just getting out there and dancing will just really be what I need.

There isn't anyone else I would want to be at that concert with except Rodney but I think part of this "healing" process is going to be going to Josh Abbott without him. Rodney is the right guy but maybe, just maybe, the timing isn't exactly right for us right now. Doesn't mean it won't be a few months from now but right now he needs to focus on school and getting through this semester and I need to focus on my job and my life.

When you give someone your heart, and not just bits a pieces, but your whole heart it's going to hurt not being with them. But every day gets a little easier and this next time I want to do this relationship right and I want it to be what we both want, and not just about my needs. There should always be TWO people in a relationship and when it becomes a one person relationship it's time to take a step back. 
Life is a funny thing. Every single step, breath and choice leads you closer to your next step, breath and choice. Take chances. Take risks. You don't want to go through this life thinking you made a mistake. Sometimes it's going to feel that way but when you get through the hard times you'll understand why you went through them...

Quotes for the time

“If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next… Don’t. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness. Don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present – each moment as it comes – because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart, where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again.”

"There is no true love and false love. What you feel as love is love."

"If you think I've given up on you, you're crazy, and if you think I don't love you, then you're just wrong."

"The difference between like, love and in love are the same differences between for now, for a while, and forever."

"We're so different. I still believe in us and I still believe in this. And as long as we have each other, I think we'll be alright."

"I keep telling myself that it`s going to be okay, that we will talk, that we will be friends I`m not so great at this whole optimism act, cause I`m still crying myself to sleep every night."  

"Yeah, I talk to other guys I laugh with other guys && I hug other guys But none of them will ever mean as much To me as you do."

"Love isn’t an act, it’s a whole life. It’s staying with her now because she needs you; it’s knowing you and she will still care about each other when sex and daydreams, fights and futures—when all that’s on the shelf and done with. Love—why, I’ll tell you what love is: it’s you at seventy-five and her at seventy-one, each of you listening for the others step in the next room, each afraid that a sudden silence, a sudden cry, could mean a lifetime’s talk is over. ” — Brian Moore

"A real relationship : Has fights. Has trust. Has faith. Has tears. Has hurt. Has sweet smiles. Has genuine laughter. Has snorts because of the laughter. Has weird, stupid, unnecessary arguments. Has patience. Has communication. Has secrets. Has jealousy. And most importantly, love. This is all just a mess that turns out beautiful & an experience that can never be forgotten. "

Time Heals

Okay so here is where I am at this point in time:

The more I talk about my relationship with Rodney the more I realize where I was in the wrong. Talking about it has actually helped a lot, despite being a hard subject but I don't really cry anymore, I actually have hope that things are going to be okay. Though I do not have any control of his emotions or his thoughts, it's okay because he needs his time just as I need mine. Here is what I come come to terms with...

1) the expectations I set up for him were too far for him to reach. Yes, there are certain expectations that any girl would expect but most of mine came from movies or TV shows. That is where my problem is, I relied too heavily on those high expectations to lead me to the perfect relationship... the thing is I had the perfect relationship (for me) and I let it get out of control and let the expectations take hold. Those expectations, like surprising me with flowers at my door step or when I was at my softball games I would look over at the stands and he would be there without ever telling me he was going to show up, were set way too high and there was no way even a guy from a movie would have been able to reach these expectations.

2) there were certain situations where I should have put him first rather than trying to make it about me. Yes, my feelings are important but when I make it all about me all the time it makes the relationship all about me rather than the two of us.

3) love is  a game of give and take. If I am doing all the giving I don't give him a chance to give to me. So those high expectations I set, once again he's not going to be able to reach them if I am giving and giving and giving without the opportunity to give back.

This is what I have come up with since I've had time to think. So far it's been pretty productive and the more I talk about it with my best friends the more it helps me realize where I was in the wrong and what I need to do to improve my relationship with Rodney.

Truth is I love him. We all knew/ know this, but until I was given this chance to step back and asses everything I don't think I was ever going to be able to see these things. Still need some time but hopefully, and with all the hope in my heart, things work out between us because despite getting upset about stupid small things Rodney really knew how to love me. And I couldn't ask for anything more.

Clarity

This...

Where do you go once you hit bottom? I feel nothing but numb. I don't feel like eating. I don't feel like doing anything but crying. Anytime one of our songs comes on, I have to fight to hold back my tears. I'm sick to my stomach because I feel just lost and broken. I know this was for the best but right now all I want to do is run into his arms and say I'm sorry.

Love isn't easy. Not in any way. When you find the right person they are worth the wait. They are worth the tears. They are worth the risk. I risked a lot with him. I gave him everything. And I don't regret anything. I gave him my all and I gave him my heart with no strings attached. I never wanted this to end up broken. I tried so hard to keep us together that I ended up pulling myself apart.

But looking from the bottom of this emotional pit, I'm having trouble seeing the light. I keep telling myself this was for the best and this is what needed to happen but it's really hard to let go of someone you truly love with no regrets. It's hard not knowing where things are going to end up and or if we will work things out. I mean that's all I hope for.

I cry myself to sleep thinking I made a huge mistake because I know with all of my heart that Rodney is the one person I want to be with. I don't have any desire to be with anyone else and it eats me up knowing I don't have him right now. I never knew my heart could love this much. I never knew how truly important he was until now.

Now I can only hope and pray that we work things out and start over. I don't want to waste my time flirting with anyone else, or trying to be with anyone else when I know where my heart lies and that's with Rodney.

As hard as it is to admit, I do believe this is going to be for the better but it's just so hard to understand and grasp that right now when I am surrounded by my friends who are happy in their relationships.

I think that's where my problem is. I try to create this perfect relationship and I can't do that. I have to create my own happiness and my own individual relationship with the man I love; instead of trying to be like the movies or like my friends relationships. I can't keep hoping for these "perfect" relationships, I have to be the one to make up my own perfect relationship.

So here it is technically day 4 of this madness and it's getting easier. Well maybe not easy but talking about it doesn't bring tears to my eyes. I still get choked up but I've deleted Facebook from my phone and I am going to restrict myself from getting on it because I have a habit of going to his page to see what's going on. And if I am going to take a break that kind of means I can't go looking for heartache.

It's not going to be easy but I've got to just learn to breathe again and evaluate what I really want. I know I want to be with Rodney. I know I love him beyond words. And in the end he is my own version of Prince Charming. But we've got to just take a break and breathe and realize how to get back to being happy.

It's a work in progress but if we both sit down and figure things out, separately,  I think in the end everything will be okay. And you know what if it's not I have to be okay with him moving on. It does hurt to think that he could say all those things and then turn around and say them to someone else if we don't work out.

Like I said... it's a work in progress. I don't plan on dating anyone because I know that I want to figure this out with him and whether that takes weeks or months, it's got to either work or not. I think I'll be okay. I know I'll have my moments but love never fails... and I have my best friends and I have my family when I just need to cry.

Empty Space

What I can’t say

Do you know that feeling, when you come here, meaning to write because you can’t talk about it, because you can’t run from it but you can’t run it out, either? Coming here, having so much to say, so many emotions crammed into your chest, squeezing the breath out of you, so many things to tell someone, but there really isn’t anyone who would understand so you don’t think you should even start trying - and then realizing you don’t have the words to fill in the blank expanse of space stretching out in front of you.
I have that feeling, sometimes. Like no one in the world understands, even though I know most people probably feel the same way at one point in time or another.
Inescapably lonely, and irrevocably mute.

What is Love

What does love mean to you?

To me.. 

Love is the smile on his face any time I walk in to a room.

It's the feeling I get when I see him smile.

It's the pain I feel when he's not near.

It's the fight he puts up when I think about walking away.

It's the passion in his kisses.

It's the talks about our future together.

It's the fear of losing each other.

It's more than those three words he tells me.

It's sitting at a baseball game and getting a picture together.

It's the chance to spend the weekend together.

It's visiting him at work for 10 minutes, knowing I might not get to see him the next day.

It's listening to his laugh and having it put a smile on my face.

It's watching him do something he loves.

It's getting exited about going to an NFL game together!

It's when he holds my hand and tells me he's missed me.

It's fighting to the point of tears and then the sorrys' that come after.

It's getting jealous of his ex-girlfriend and having him tell me I have nothing to worry about.

It's not getting to hug him and then holding him like I'm never going to see him again.

It's laughing at something funny on TV.

It's going to see Lion King 3D and admiring how he looks in 3D glasses.

It's falling asleep in his arms on the couch and having him move a piece of hair out of my face.

It's kissing my forehead when I'm upset.

It's making fun of each other.

It's a two hour car ride.

It's getting stressed out over something small.

It's testing the waters to see how far we can push each other.

It's giving him every chance to break my heart and trusting him not to.

It's knowing this is going to last forever and not giving up on each other, 

even when times get hard.

 

That Girl

I'm that girl that holds a smile on her face,

even when things are a mess and her faith falls out of place.

I'm that girl who believes in taking chances for what I want,

instead of pretending to be happy as someone I'm not .

I'm that girl who's not afraid to let her emotions show,

and learns to go on as her feelings start to grow.

I'm that girl who would never give up on the love of her life,

because there are two paths she can make the wrong or the right.

I'm that girl who would travel a million miles away,

just to find the love that shes been waiting for everyday.

I'm that girl who doesn't care about what other people think of my style,

the one that savors every moment even if its only for a little while.

I'm that girl that can never keep a secret,

I'm shy but that doesn't mean I can ever keep it.

I'm that girl who kisses but doesn't believe,

because she's sad if she lets go and then her love would leave.

I'm that girl that people call weird, random, and dramatic,

but there's more to me if you'll listen behind all the noise and static.

I'm that girl that can cry and laugh all at the same time,

the one that's innocent looking but can commit a heartbroken crime.

I'm that girl that tries hard to push herself,

the one that doesn't care if she'll ever fit in to be cool.

I'm that girl you can call imperfect,

my hairs always a mess and I'm under a lot of pressure.

I'm really not so different as all the rest,

if it were up to me I'd say I come in second best.

I'm that girl who loves to laugh!

The one that can joke around until things get out of control.

The one who envy's those blond girls and their perfect lives,

meanwhile I'm stuck on this wild ride.

I'm that girl that loves to dream,

but this reality is not what it seems.

I've got fairytale ending waiting to come true.

It's another risk worth taking so what do I have to lose?

LET's ... GO..... COWB (nope!) TEXANS!!!

“It’s amazing, some people, they just say these small little things, one sentence and it changes the way you feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. It changes everything, nothing between you is ever really the same again, even if they don’t know it.”

I am SO excited about this upcoming weekend!!

For Rodney's birthday I have gone all out! I bought two tickets to the Texans vs. Raiders game at Reliant Stadium! They are END-ZONE seats! Here is a sample of what we will be seeing:

HECK YES!!!

I cannot tell you how EXCITED I AM!!!

Not only have I bought END-ZONE tickets... I got us PLATINUM parking passes and ... AND:

TWO TICKETS to the CHURRASCO's club! The Ultimate Tailgating experience!

Ask any true NFL fan and they'll tell you that getting ready for the big game means having the right environment. That's exactly what you'll find at the Houston Texans Churrascos Club, a distinguished pre-game party that takes "tailgating" to the next level

Inside the Methodist Training Center, you and your guests will savor a buffet that is second to none catered by Churrascos. Our menu is different for every game and will include great selections of premium restaurant food such as prime rib carving stations, roasted chicken breast, beef brisket, barbecued salmon, Cajun turkey breast, jumbo shrimp, seared pork medallions, pasta bar, salads, gourmet desserts and much more.

The all-inclusive Churrascos Club also serves beer, wine, mimosas, soft drinks and an open bar for cocktails. You will enjoy great entertainment including appearances by the Houston Texans Cheerleaders, NFL Alumni and other special guests.

 

Can you see why I am so excited! I mean I am a HUGE Cowboys fan but I have a feeling this is going to be SO much FUN! I cannot wait for this upcoming weekend! I am also going to try and set up dinner with his mom, brother and sister and his nieces and nephew. I hope everything pans out! Here is to the upcoming week!