How do I

How am I still able to function?
Overwhelmed.
Stressed.
Too much at once.
There really are no words for how much pressure I am feeling these days.
I am just ready for April 7 to come and go!
I am consumed with school work.
This Purple Pride production is literally going to either kill me or keep me up for several days straight.
Not to mention I have no clue what I am doing.
I chose my topic.
I've written my script..
Well now I have to go back and re-do my entire script because I messed up.
I stayed up till about mid-night on Monday doing my script and turns out it's all wrong.
You know what is all wrong...
The fact that I am a Radio/ TV minor.
Man!
I honestly plan to do NOTHING with this.
There are interesting classes, yes, but talk about stress!
I may look all calm, cool and collected but on the inside..
I just want to cry.
I literally came home after work last night, and passed out on my bed I was so exhausted.
I am surprised my body hasn't shut down or started to eat itself, since I haven't really eaten anything in the past 5 days.
That could be the reason I've lost about 5 pound and my belt can now be buckled three spots past the normal place...
It's not that I can't handle it all.
I just think I seriously overloaded myself and had no idea how overwhelming it all would be.
I just want to crawl into a corner and forget about the world revolving around me.

And it's not just school work that is driving me into the corner of my death.
Work has been so freaking stressful this week.
I cannot even begin to explain how stressful it has been!!
I get text messages at 6:45AM on Monday and Wednesday saying someone can't come in, so I have to go in.
Oh but WAIT!
It's so utterly convenient for this person to not be able to go in the days I technically don't have class until 11AM.
But, I am currently working on this project and I told this person and they could not have cared less.
I understand it's my project and what-not, and I get that my store has to be open by 7AM, but school comes first!
I'm sorry if you are lying on the floor passed out drunk, either you get your butt up off the floor and go to work or you find someone to cover your shift!
Yes, I get that I am the manager.
Believe me, I am reminded of it EVERY DAY!
But when I have a project that is worth HALF of my entire grade, I have to stop thinking about work and put school first.
I don't care that someone called in.
I get that things happen and what-not.
But what makes me upset and pissed is when Tuesday this person was fine, but on the days that I don't have class until 11AM, it's so convenient for her to get sick.
UGH, I get so heated when I talk about this.
I could go on and on about this but I will save you the reading and just let you read the rest of my blog...


So back to my project..
It was due yesterday (Wednesday) by 2PM.
It is now 11:36PM on Thursday and I am sitting here typing my blog instead of finishing the last portion of my project.
Next week I am hardly working at all because I have to shoot my B-roll, log and capture my videos, create my graphics, set up the prompter, set up my VTR and so much other stuff.
Next week I might not make it past Thursday.
I just know that I am going to be needing a really big hug from someone after this is all said and done and recorded!
I don't care who it's from, but i will need to just be from someone and it needs to be one of those hugs where I just don't ever want to leave from their embrace.


It seems like all I have to blog about is my stupid project.
And you know what, that's what my week has been consumed of.
Literally I've gone from work to class, or class to work, or work to class and right back to work.
Other than practice and bowling, I haven't done anything but work and homework.
I'm burnt out.
So ready to be done and over with this crap!
I am ready to walk across that stage and never have to worry about school AGAIN!
I really thought about going back and getting my masters but I can't do it.
Right now I cannot even begin to imagine the stress I would have on my shoulders if I only waited a semester.
Maybe a couple of years of no school, I'll go back but right now I just want to get done and not have to worry about tests, or homework, or studying, or taking notes, or anything!
I just want to focus on what I love... coaching.


I really found something that is some what stress free for me.
I couldn't imagine my life without it.
I look forward to Tuesdays and Fridays because I get to go out and kick the soccer ball around.
I get to go do something I love.
Something I have a passion for.
And it's amazing the connection I have with those kids.
They are like my own and I love playing with them and just having a ton of laughs.
The way their face lights up when they get to practice, or they score a goal is just beyond words.
God I love it!
When the weight of the world is on my shoulders, I know I have coaching to take it all away :)


Okay so let me get you up to speed with that's going on in the "love life"...
We are totally fine.
I know I always freak out for no reason.
And I mean I have my reasons, but I really have no reason to be worried.
People keep telling me that I have to trust that everything is going to be okay.
Yeah, I get it.
It's all about trust.
And it's not that I don't trust him because I do.
I guess when you constantly have a guard up and assume the negative things first and hardly ever assume anything positive, it's hardly ever about trust but more of a fear.
Yeah, I do fear that he might just lose interest in me one day and drop me like a rock.
I fear that someone better is going to come along.
That something is going to happen and I will lose him.
And everything happens for a reason, I get it.
But whatever reason he is in my life I am truly thankful for it.
And who cares how slow or fast our relationship goes.
It's our business and when and if anything happens, it's up to us.
Even if we have to start all over and re-do everything.
I know time with him is never going to be wasted.
So here is to tomorrow and to another smile :)


Well, I am sure that is enough reading for one day lol
So I am going to head off to bed.
Early morning and long day ahead!
So here's to you. For staying true :)

I'll leave you with this:

"Dear Claire, "What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now?  You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will. All my love, Juliet"

Totally Random Thoughts

Okay... so as you all know I have recently been in some sort of funky slump, but I want you ALL to know that ends TODAY!!
I am turning over a new page in my life and I couldn't be happier.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I burnt those journal entries.
Cliche I know but hey if that's what it took, then say-la-vie (however that's spelled)
So anyways, I am currently in the library trying to type out this script for my project.
Obviously that's going really well!
If I seem a bit random during this post it's because I have had Xtreme Caffeine and TWO Redlines today!
Anyways, thought I would add that in just in case you were thinking to yourself that I was crazy.
I mean I might be but as far as I know I'm as normal as the person sitting next to me.
But I don't know them so I'm taking a risk saying that lol
OKAY
Well today was actually a good day.
I realized that I am in control of my destiny and if I am ready to move forward and get past the pain from my past I have to take control and actually do it.
Sometimes it takes walking up to someone and saying "Hey" to put a smile on your face :)
You just have to have the strength to take that next step.
That's what I have.
I have strength.
In my friends.
In my family.
And in my heart.
It took a while for me to find it but I found it and through it all I'm glad I have it now :)
And yeah, I'm not going to be strong all the time,
But when I need to be I can be and will be.
Anyways... enough of that!
So I am going to be working on my project like all night...
At the rate I'm going I'm not getting ANY sleep!



RANDOM FACT OF THE DAY: Kool-Aid was originally marketed as “Fruit Smack.”

Here's the song I'm listening too:
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

SING it to me Josh Groban!!
I LOVE his voice!!
OKAY OKAY OKAY... I've got to finish this project :)

Until next time....

Creating a new ending

❝It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.❞

 

Today was a rather big day for me.
This morning I gathered up all of my laundry and did it all!
Well, all that needed to be washed.
I also made myself a TO-DO list and had 12 things written down and actually managed to get 4 of them finished.
I know doesn't seem like much but when you have 4 loads of laundry, a messy room to clean, had to message someone about being a part of my Purple Pride TV production, and had to print of like 30 papers for the Production notebook, oh and I went running (ran 2.13 miles), I also had a meeting with the people of Smoothie King.
Four things is actually a big deal!
Considering I still have to write out TWO scripts!
Have to catch up my workbook pages.
Have to do my taxes and vacuum my car, I was okay with only completing 4 out of 12.

❝Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.❞

 

 
But anyways, this morning I decided it was time to just gather up all of my journal entries about past "loves", or certain situations.
I decided it was time to just let it all go.
I've realized that having them sitting in my room is too much for me to handle and sometimes I do get the urge to read them and it just brings back old memories.
So all those writings about Mr. Henderson, Bryan, Brett, James, Cameron, Luke, Chris, Zak, Brady, Patrick, Travis, Scott, Will, Garth, and anyone else... burned!
Gone.
Just like the pain.
It was time to let it all go and time to stop it from affecting my present and future.
Yeah, I will probably cry later tonight wondering why I did it.
But I think in the end it's the first step to fixing things and getting back myself.
I did it because they were a haunting memory of heartache and pain.
They were more than just writings they were bruises that hadn't healed yet.
And as much as I might think it was a crazy idea now, I think tomorrow will be a better day because of it.
I'll have the courage to take that next step.
I'll have the heart to finally just be free and give love my all.
I'll be ready to love again.
The walls are starting to come down.
I am still going to have worries and fear heartbreak but what girl doesn't.
And even though I haven't talked to Rodney in about 4 days, I think everything will be okay.
I know it seems like I burnt 10 years of writings to fix things with him, but that's not why.
I just got sick and tired of the wounds and scars.
Day after day I would worry about stupid things when I had no reason.
And it was all because of my past experiences.
Yes, I will always have the memories of my most painful days.
The hardest heartbreak.
And the worst pain.
But burning those entries was freeing.
In a way, watching it catch fire and burn was a cleansing state of being.
I felt as the smoke drifted off so did the wounds, scrapes, lacerations of my heart strings, bruises and everything else painful just went away.
Hopefully this funk that I'm in will lift tomorrow or sometime soon because it's just not me.
I think I'm scared about whatever tomorrow will bring.
But you can't be scared of something you
1) have no control over
2) have never experienced
3) and can't predict.

 

"Bad things happen; how you respond to them defines your character and the quality of your life."

 

10 Basic Truths

1. Successful relationships take work. They don't happen in a vacuum. They occur when the couples in them take the risk of sharing what it is that's going on in their hearts and heads.

2. You can only change yourself, not your partner. If you love someone and think that after a while he or she will alter behaviors you find uncomfortable, think again. If you want changes, put them on the table, so your partner knows what you need.

3. All arguments stem from our own fear or pain. When upset occurs, check out what's going on inside you rather than getting angry with your partner. Truth is that we usually aren't upset for the reasons we think we are.

4. Understand that men and women are very different. We're not from Mars or Venus; we're not even in the same solar system. Understanding and celebrating our differences will make living together more peaceful, interesting and fun.

 

5. Honor each other in some way every day. Every morning, you have the opportunity to make your relationship sweeter and deeper by recommitting to your mate. Feeling respected and cherished by the one you love makes life much nicer.

6. Anger is a waste of time. Anger also is a relationship killer because it makes you self-absorbed and won't allow you to see the good. If you are annoyed with your mate, give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss what's going on for you.

7. Get regular tune-ups. Go to a couples workshop, talk with a counselor or read a relationship book together at least once a year. Even if you don't think that you need ideas, and the process alone will strengthen your connection.

8. Find a way to become and stay best friends. For some, this sounds unromantic, but for those who live it, most say it's the best part of their time together.

9. Be responsible for your own happiness. No other person can make you happy. It's something that you have to do on your own. If you feel that it's your partner's fault, think again, and look within to find out what piece may be missing for you.

10. Give what you want to get. Our needs change with time. If you'd like to feel understood, try being more understanding. If you want to feel more love, try giving more. It's a simple program that really works.

There are no guarantees, but couples who practice these techniques have longer and stronger relationships than those who are not proactive in their love.

These Times Are Hard

Have you ever felt like you just made the biggest mistake of your life?
That's kind of where I am at right now.
I was selfish, foolish and stupid.
And for that I am truly sorry.
I didn't put it into perspective of what fracturing your hand.
To me a hand it just a hand.
To me, I could break my hand and think nothing of it.
But for you, your hand is what connects you to your passion.
Your hand is your entire life.
Without it you can't express yourself.
You can't escape into a world all your own.
You're lost.
I need to be there for you.
Yes, I wanted for you to embrace me in your arms when you got back.
I wanted you to tell me how much you missed me.
I wanted the world to disappear.

I wanted so much more than the arguments that we got.
I wanted it to be all about me, but it should have been about you and what you are going through.
It's something I just never thought of until my mom put it into perspective for me.
With all of my heart I hope nothing has changed.
I can't stand to think of just walking by your work and not stopping in.
I can't imagine not looking into your eyes.
I don't want to date anyone else.
You are the one person who can make me so frustrated yet I still find myself with a smile on my face.
The one person who can tell me I'm sexy yet so very subtly.
The one person who can make me nervous no matter what time of day it is.
The one person who can give me goose bumps after making me laugh.
I needed to be there for you when you needed me most and I left you out to dry.
Time to turn this around.
Please don't give up on me!

Lost

Sometimes you have to hold your head high and just walk through fire.
As weird and cliche as it might sound, sometimes it's what you have to do.
You know what... that's what I am doing.
With school and work and everything else, I've got to keep my head high and keep going.
It may get stressful, and I may want to throw in the towel, but hopefully in the end everything will work out and hopefully for the better!
I am trying to be a more positive person.
Not, me myself, but my thoughts.
I think a lot of it is I'm scared he's just going to up and leave me.
I know that's not what I should think, but I really am scared.
I really don't want to do anything to mess things up.
I mean, he is really attractive and let's face it, I'm not so much.
So it's more likely for him to leave me and find someone else than it would be for me to leave him and find someone else.
I can't suffer through another heart break.
Especially not with him...

Getting There

Man, I just have to say that 10 hours of sleep and a nice hot shower does wonders for any sort of stress that you have.
The past two days were just beyond stressful.
I don't know why...
I just felt like everything, and I mean every thing, was on my shoulders.
I let it get to me and I let it explode onto certain people.
It was wrong and I felt really bad about it.
But today was actually a good day.
I talked to Balfor about my class ring.
I kicked some butt in my tennis class.
I got the Roma order in on time!
Smoothie King made over $1,000 today!!
I stayed strong through it all!
Although it was hard not going over to Quizno's and talking to Rodney, but I said what I meant and I meant what I said about stepping back.
We did talk, but it wasn't for very long.
And that's okay.
Taking time to just focus on school is what I need to do.
But hopefully I can work through this and just get back to myself.
Although those 10 hours of sleep seem to be taking me in the right direction :)

All in Perspective

Okay so the last time I blogged was a while ago and there have certainly been things that have gone on!

Rodney and I have done nothing but argue the past two days.
It's not about anything big, well okay, it is kind of.
He said he wanted to go to Banita on Friday becasue Eli Young is playing.
Well yesterday I asked him if he still wanted to go and he said that he's not sure.
You should know that he does have this "cast" around his right hand because when he was in Padre some guy was trying to break into the place he was staying at, so he goes and punches the guy and ends up fracturing his hand.
Okay, so he doesn't liked to be asked what happened because when he says that it happened in Padre everyone seems to assume he was drunk.
Obviously he doesn't want to go explain this to everyone at Banita, but seriously how many people are going to come up and ask him what happened.
Maybe if he was at the bar, yeah, I could see that happening.
But just standing there with me, i highly doubt anyone is going to come up and ask what happened.
Just me.
But anyways.
So that's one thing that we have argued about.
Another was whether this was going somewhere or we were just kind of stuck.
He said he's not talking or interested in any one else.
He told me more than once that he missed me.
He told me that while he was in Padre, nothing happened and he didn't want anything to happen.
He said that girls were coming up to him "left and right" and he would just give them a beer and tell them to be on their way.
Said his roommates were hooking up and he would just lie in bed, alone.
I'm not going to lie, I cannot even begin to imagine not having Rodney in my life.
And I'm glad that nothing happened in Padre.
I shouldn't have feared anything and it was stupid for me to even begin to think that something would or was going to happen.
I don't know why we cannot seem to just not argue.
I think it might be the fact that I have so much stuff do for school that I am seriously stressing and I think I have just been taking it out on him, which is wrong.
There is no reason I should be doing this.
I did just send him a message saying that I just needed some space and that he should go to Dallas and I would just take a girlfriend to Banita.
That makes it sound like I was mad, I'm not.
I've vented and let it all out with both Abby and Yvette.
I really appreciate them listening to me over petty things like boys.
But I think not seeing Rodney for a little while will help us both in the end.
I know I just came off of like 10 days of not seeing him but I didn't expect to hit the ground running with projects right when I got back from break.
I was and might still be agitated with certain things and I think I keep my stress and frustration bottled up that it gets to me and I take it out on someone or something.
Anyways hopefully with me not talking to him or just taking a step back maybe we can get back on the right track and get back to where we were.
I mean, you all know how much I missed him and I don't want him to be just another guy in my past.
I don't want to look back 20 years from now on my journal entries and think to myself, "Man Jordan, you really messed that up. He was a great guy. Why did I mess that up?"
I don't want him to be another guy in my journals.
So if having to take a step back and just breathe and focus on school is what I need to do then so be it, because I really don't want to read about him in 20 years.


Well this has helped get some perspective on what really matters and basically everything else.
I know he's not going to go anywhere but I don't want to take that risk so I'm learning to breathe again...

Everywhere I look

Recently it seems as if everyone from either my graduating class or almost everyone I know is getting engaged or married.
I am super happy for them!
I wouldn't say that I am jealous or anything because I don't think with everything I have going on I would be able to handle being engaged or planning a wedding.
From soccer practices or managing a store all the way to being on a bowling league, there would be no way for me to find time to plan a wedding.
Although I might not have time to plan one, every since I was little I've known what I have wanted.
Things, yes, have changed but I have also gotten older and my taste would obviously be different.
Assuming I don't want Barbie and Ken to be my maid of honor and best man... 
When the time comes along, I know I will get a chance to show off my ring and be happily married.
Right now is not right.
You know what, I am okay with that.
There is no rush.
I know it will happen when it happens and with a guy deserving of me :)
He will know not to make some big extravagant scene when he proposes because I would say no.
Along with proposing on Valentine's Day, Christmas Eve or Day or something stupid like that.
But anyways...
I am super excited for those upcoming weddings I will be attending and for those who are now engaged or soon to be engaged!
My journey has just begun and who knows what the future holds

Until tomorrow...

Long Awaited

Okay so while I have not posted in a while nor have I posted about a blog addressing all those stupid boys that left me broken hearted... I am actually going to catch you all up on things that have happened recently.

For those of you who don't know on February 26, 2011, I went with 4 of my good friends to Casey's Tattoo. To answer the next question in your head... yes, I did get a tattoo. SHOCKING! Not really. I have wanted one for a while and it was a birthday gift from Yvette. Yes, it hurt like pain I have never felt before. And yes, I cried like a little baby wanting her mommy. But you know what, I am glad I went through with it. And I am super happy with the way it turned out. So for those of you who ever thought I couldn't do anything crazy or rebellious.... there you go.

And for those of my family members that read this, or might read this, yes I have already told Grandmother. She said it was interesting and that she was shocked but as far as a tattoo goes it's really elegant and graceful. Yes, I might be out of the Will but you know what, that's okay. I am never going to regret getting my tattoo.

Next on the list...

Have not run in a few days but hopefully I can start again tomorrow.

Also, my brother's dog, Buddy, will be living with Yvette, Abby, Dakota, Gates and I starting Sunday. My parents recently received some letters from the apartment complex management stating that Buddy had to be removed from the complex due to the number of complaints about Buddy bring a Pitbull. FIRST of all, Buddy is the nicest dog you will ever meet! Before he would ever THINK about attacking someone he would lick them to death. He has no mean bone in his body. But I am glad that I am able to accommodate Buddy at my house. Even though it's only until the summer at least I will have an excuse to go for a walk or a run and enjoy the beautiful days we have been getting :)

Rodney:

I never expect to hear from him while he was in Padre. And you know what I know he is down there having a great time. I will be ready to see his face again! As much as I like being alone it's so different because I got so used to seeing him almost everyday. I got used to his hugs. I was getting used to his sense of humor. And I just miss him. I don't know when he plans to come back but I will be glad to embrace him again. No, I am not "counting down the days", cause I know whenever he wants to see me he will find a way to find me or get to me. I trust him and I do believe that he has missed me... but we shall see and I will keep you posted :)

Family:

Man my family so so weird. Love them dearly and I would not have them any other way, but we need our own TV show! I got to see my brother!!! Which has been the best part of this break so far :) I hadn't seen him for almost 3 months and it was getting kind of ridiculous! Got to catch up with him and then today we all went out to dinner and Madison, his girlfriend, at Holy Frijolies and it was much enjoyed!

Well, now I am sitting in the apartment.... alone. Parents took Mackinzie to her lock-in at the church, which is all the way in Ft. Worth. So once again I am alone lol. Well... Dakota is here and I am watching Harry Potter.

Until tomorrow :)

If Only Dreams Were Real

If only dreams were real...

I wouldn't have to pretend you were next to me.

I wouldn't have to fall asleep hoping you were beside me.

I would be able to tell you exactly what's in my heart and on my mind.

I wouldn't have to reserve every emotion and hold back.

I could just be with you.

If dreams were real...

I could fly.

I could run really fast.

I could walk through walls.

I could read minds.

I could be whatever I want.

I could be with you.

If dreams were real...

There wouldn't be any more waiting.

There wouldn't be any distance between us.

There wouldn't be pain or hurt.

There wouldn't be fear.

I don't understand why I keep drifting to the negative thoughts.

You have never given me and reason to doubt you.

You have always told me the truth, even when it was painful and hard to express.

You trust me.

I trust you.

With every fiber of my being, I trust you.

So why?

WHY can I not let go of the hurt and the pain I've been through?

WHY is it that negative thoughts of betrayal and hurt are what pop into my head?

WHY can I not just forget every bad thing that has ever left me broken?

If only my dreams were real I could just forget about every broken heart.

I could give you my entire heart with no fear and nothing to hide.

With all of my heart I want to let go of the negative and let go of my past.

But my past will always be with me because that is a pain I never, never want to go through again.

I just want to be done with the past.

I want so badly to move forward and forget all the guys that broke me and tore me down.

I just don't know how.

I could burn all my writings and my poems, but those to me are my art.

When I look back 20 years from now, I'll be able to pull them out and read them.

I don't want to throw them out or burn them.

They are as much a part of who I am as a diary or a notebook is to anyone else.

I want nothing more than to let go of it all, but I just don't know where to start.

But I think I got an idea.

Stay posted for my next blog when I address all those that left me broken hearted.

For now, I just have to be patient.

I have to trust that there is no reason to worry.

I have to believe that I mean more to Rodney than some random girl in Padre.

If I can't believe that now then tomorrow it's going to be too late.

Can I start again?

With my faith shaken.

Cause I can't go back and undo this

I just have to stay

And face my mistakes

But if I get stronger and wiser

I'll get through this...

I've been running more recently and when I run I can just escape into a different world.

I don't have to worry about heart break or negative anything.

When I run... my worries fade away with every touch of the pavement.

Nothing can get me down.

But once I'm done running I start to think again and the more I think the more I miss him.

I admire Yvette and Abby for being able to have long distance relationships, cause I for one would not be able to do that.

It's been two weeks since he's kissed me.

It's been 6 days since I've last seen him.

I don't know how they do it.

But I truly admire them and however they do it.

Maybe they can teach me.

Maybe I just have to be fearless and not let my past influence my future.

I mean I am sure they miss their boyfriends,

And it's not like they don't trust them.

They have all the trust in the world for them.

And it's not about trust .

It never has been, but that's the only word I know to use.

I don't know another word to use.

I don't know why trust is the only word I can think of.

I don't know why I have so much on my mind.

I don't know why this is so hard for me!

I didn't even know he existed until about 4 months ago.

And now, now my entire world has changed.

Flipped upside down.

All because you looked my way.

I don't know where this is going to go.

I think my biggest fear is that Rodney is going to get back and not feel the same way about me.

That his feelings for me will have changed.

That I'm not important to him any more.

I have no reason to think like this,

But that is what I fear.

These are the thoughts that go through my head.

My dreams...

Are nothing like my thoughts.

In my dream last night I was driving to my 11 o'clock class and I saw him walking to work.

I pulled my car into the Marble Slab parking lot and threw it into park.

Flung open my door and just ran.

I ran to him and I just got to be held by him.

I forgot about all the cars passing by.

I didn't care about the world moving around us.

In that moment, there was no one in the world but Rodney and I.

In that moment, every fear and every doubt no longer existed.

If only dreams were real...

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

My Daily Bread

Today has been a rather good day!

Got up and went to work.

Wasn't too busy, but wasn't too slow.

Made about $8 in tips, so not too shabby!

Got a lot of stuff done while I was there, including the reports, both of them :)

Cleaned the store, read a magazine, cleaned some more...

Oh and made smoothies :)

After work I came home, to my clean house, and just chilled out for a little while.

After watching the sun finally come up, after the down pour we got earlier this morning, I decided to go for another run with Dakota.

We went out to Pecan Park and it took about 40 minutes to run about 3 miles.

Which, I mean, isn't to bad but when Dakota stops and smells the grass every 2 minutes it's kinda annoying.

But we made it through, none-the-less, and I had a good time.

When I watched her ears blow in the wind it brought a smile to my face and I felt like a kid again.

She made me forget about everything that was on my mind and just escape to this place where it was just me, Dakota, the wind and the trail.

Hopefully I can do that again tomorrow and see where it takes me :)

After, I went running I came home and dropped little bit off and ran to the store for some lunch/ dinner.

On my way back I decided to go to Blue Lagoon and get a little bit of a tan.

I chose the level 5.

It was relaxing to just lye there and pretend to be on the beach lying next to Rodney.

I know it sounds cheesy and maybe a little stupid but in those 10 minutes I didn't have to think about anything but how I felt when I was next to him.

I didn't have the world around me dragging me in different directions.

I could just lye there, safe, with nothing in my way but the thought of me and him.

With nothing but my thoughts I drifted off.

I woke up, felt good and back home I went.

Back to reality is really what it was...

I turned on Netflx when I got home and found this movie called, "According to Greta."

It stars Hilary Duff as a rebel teen trying to find her way in this world.

She has this list of ways she's thought about dying.

But then she has this other list of things she wants to do before she dies.

All in all it was a good movie.

She discovers herself by finding the things in life that are worth living for.

She falls for this guy, who works with her, and he tells her that she's worth it and all this romantic stuff.

Did I mention the guy is mixed?

I would happen to stumble upon the one movie where the guy seems perfect and is so similar to Rodney.

It was a good movie and looking at the male lead brought a smile to my face.

Took me back to the last time Rodney kissed me.

I know it might be weird for me to find similarities between a character in a movie and Rodney, but it's the little things like that that comfort me.

I'm not worried about him or worried that he's in Padre with about 10 thousand other people.

I know how he feels, whether he has said it or not.

I know I'm worth it.

I know what I mean to him and despite being X-amount of miles away, I know he still feels the same way.

And you know what I am perfectly fine here doing whatever there is to do, but every once in a while it's nice to drift off to a thought of him.

What is it about you?

I don’t know what it is about you
That makes me catch my breathe every time you look at me
The nerves that make me shake
Being near your body gives mine this magnetic pull towards you.
What it is about you?

I’ve been in love. 
I’ve been hurt from it, and I’ve felt like floating on a cloud from it.
I’ve been there. 
I’ve felt crazy feelings before. 
And I’ve had my share of “crushes” – but this, this is no childish crush.
I never fall for anyone like this. 
I’m so guarded. 
Too guarded. 
With SO many expectations because I learned that’s what will protect me.
I don’t know what it is about you

But I can’t find a flaw.
Because even your flaws to others, just make you an even more beautiful person to me. 
You are such a REAL person. 
You have passion in your soul. 
So gentle and so powerful at the same time. 
Your humility is stunning.
You are truly a man in every sense of the word. 
You are exactly the kind of person I want in my life.
Is this what it is about you?
 
Is that what it is that makes me want to knock down every wall I’ve ever created. 
I’ll risk it all and never think twice.
And God your eyes! 
Nothing is more breath taking than the way you look at me.

 I don’t need to ask if you feel the same because I already know you do. 

Don’t be scared to lose the comfort and go out on this crazy limb with me. 
Maybe we’ll fall flat on our asses,
but the thought of what it very well could be is amazing and I would take that leap with you.

That’s exactly what is is about you…

Eureka

I have come to this: I have no reason to not trust Rodney.
He has never given me any reason to mistrust him so why am I do worried that something is going to happen?
Yeah, Padre is the hot spot for Spring Break, and yeah he is probably getting drunk and having a good time.
Good for him!
He deserves to have a good time and deserves a week where he can just be a guy.
Everyone deserves to have a good time and I trust and know that he is having the time of his life!
Rodney is more of a man than James would or could ever be.
And if I am going to trust with Rodney I have to trust what he says.
I have to trust that no matter where he might be he knows what's right.
So here is to the rest of the week!
Kicking the soccer ball around, running, working, taking photographs and just being me.
Leaving no stone unturned :)

If "you" happen to read this know that just because you are X-amount of miles away doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you.
It doesn't mean you lose value.
And doesn't mean I don't look up at the stars hoping you are looking at them too.

Somewhere

Two days have gone by without a word from you.
I know you are safe and having fun.
And that's all that matters. 
I feel as if the nights get longer.
My day is occupied with mindless things such as laundry and cleaning.
I think of you and wonder how you are doing.
"You have nothing to worry about," is what you said to me.
What you whispered in my ear.
This is what keeps playing in my head.
That last hug nearly three days ago still lingers.
I do miss you more than you or anyone could ever know.
I just wonder if you are thinking about me.
I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
Nine more days.
I can do this.
I'll occupy myself with mindless notions to keep my mind from wandering to you.
But eventually I will be reminded of you and my mind and heart will drift toward the memories.
This sounds as if you are gone forever.
Somehow forever is what it feels like.
I hope you know I care.
I hope you know I trust you.
I hope you know I am not giving up on you.
I hope you know I will always be here for you.

I hope you know how much you mean to me.
I hop you are having fun.
And I hope you are somewhere looking up at the stars knowing all of this :)

                   You may not be my first, my last, or my only

                             I've loved before and I may love again.
                      But if I love you now, what else matters?
                                I'm not perfect, you aren't either,
                and the two of us may never be perfect together
        but if I can make you laugh, cause you to think twice,
                 and admit to being human and making mistakes,
                   hold onto me and give me the most you can.
                           I may not be thinking about you
          every second of the day, but I will give you a part of
                       me that I know you can break... my heart.
                  So don't hurt me, don't change me, don't analyze  
                           and don't expect more than I can give.
                             Smile when I make you happy,
                    let me know when I makes you mad,
                        and miss me when I'm not there.

50 Questions To Make You Think

   1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
    I would probably be about 16.

   2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
    Never trying is way worse than failing because if you fail at least you gave it a try.

   3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
    Only God knows this answer.

   4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
    Hopefully not. I try my hardest to keep my promises and try something new at least once a month.

   5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
    I would most like to change how sex has become so natural to talk about in society. I don't want to go back to when sex was forbidden to talk about,
but I would like to change the way 13 year-olds feel like they have to have sex to be accepted in society. Put aside the fact that sex sells, we all know that, and
this is the main reason why people are okay with talking about sex. I understand it's a natural thing, but I hate how natural it has become.

   6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
    Being a mom

   7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
    I am doing what I believe in

   8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
    Honestly, I wouldn't have done anything differently. Where and who I am today was shaped from my past.

   9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
    For the first part of my life my parents controlled how my life was run, but until about 3 years ago I basically lived under a rock. You have to be the compass in your life. You cannot have someone else pointing you in the direction they think you should go.

  10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
    Doing the right things

  11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?
    Speak up for my friend. True friends don't let people walk all over other friends!

  12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
    Live with no regrets

  13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
    Yes

  14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
    Definitely, you see it every day

  15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
    Live and breathe

  16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
    Everyone else is different than I am and what makes me happy, like the way he smiles at me, is not going to make them as happy as
his smile makes me.

  17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back?
    I would really like to do gymnastics again, and my age I think is what is holding me back

  18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
    Yes, my past relationships that have left me scared and bruised.

  19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
    I would love to move to the Cayman Islands. I went there in 2007 and fell in love with all the colors!

  20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
    Sometimes, but I just hope it will close the door faster

  21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
    A joyful simpleton

  22. Why are you, you?
    I am me because God has shaped me this way

  23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
    Yes

  24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
    Losing touch with a close friend who lives near you

  25. What are you most grateful for?
    My family and friends

  26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
    That's a hard one... I would say I would rather lose all my old memories. As much as they mean to me, not being able to make new memories seems more painful than erasing the old ones.

  27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
    No

  28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
    My first reaction is yes, because of the relationship that left scars so deep it's hard to just cover them up, but I don't really know what my greatest fear is. I think my greatest fear is never finding someone to love...

  29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?
    Yes, actually I do remember that time that was almost 5 years ago. Spring Break 2007, the guy I was dating at the time went to Cancun with his buddies and during the course of that week proceeded to cheat on me with 3 other girls. Two of the girls he did when he was drunk and the other he was sober. Yet, I had no clue what was going on because he did not call me, text me or apparently care about me. Does it matter now? No. I have moved on but the memory and the wound has turned into more of a bruise now. But bruises still hurts when they are poked. I mean it does still remain a nightmare and sometimes it's hard to trust those that mean the most to me.

  30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?
    Happiest childhood memory was probably the first time I ever held my sister. I wanted her to be a boy really bad but the second I looked into her blue eyes my whole world changed and thus began a life-long friendship.

  31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
    Right now. Having a great guy in my life. Having some of the best friends I could ever ask for. And just following my dreams :)

  32. If not now, then when?

  33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

  34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
    Yes, yes I have :)

  35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
    Cause they are fighting to prove a point. Whether the point is worth fighting for is up to them.

  36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
    Yes and no. Everyone can tell you if something is good, but when something is evil, how do you really know? It can be bad for you or just bad in general, but Evil?

  37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
    No. I would just buy it outright!

  38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
    More work that I enjoy doing

  39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
    No...

  40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
    Valentine's Day 2011

  41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
    My family

  42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
    No. I would rather live ten years longer ugly and normal

  43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
    Everyone today is alive but to truly live you have to let go of the fear that is holding you back.

  44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
    Whenever you feel it's time

  45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
    Because if the mistake ends up hurting you or you feel like you failed at something you don't want to relive that pain or failure.

  46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
    Wear a bikini

  47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
    Just now

  48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
    I love photography.

  49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?
    I would hope so, but maybe not, who knows...

  50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
    I am making my own decisions and paving my own way in this world