If Only Dreams Were Real

If only dreams were real...

I wouldn't have to pretend you were next to me.

I wouldn't have to fall asleep hoping you were beside me.

I would be able to tell you exactly what's in my heart and on my mind.

I wouldn't have to reserve every emotion and hold back.

I could just be with you.

If dreams were real...

I could fly.

I could run really fast.

I could walk through walls.

I could read minds.

I could be whatever I want.

I could be with you.

If dreams were real...

There wouldn't be any more waiting.

There wouldn't be any distance between us.

There wouldn't be pain or hurt.

There wouldn't be fear.

I don't understand why I keep drifting to the negative thoughts.

You have never given me and reason to doubt you.

You have always told me the truth, even when it was painful and hard to express.

You trust me.

I trust you.

With every fiber of my being, I trust you.

So why?

WHY can I not let go of the hurt and the pain I've been through?

WHY is it that negative thoughts of betrayal and hurt are what pop into my head?

WHY can I not just forget every bad thing that has ever left me broken?

If only my dreams were real I could just forget about every broken heart.

I could give you my entire heart with no fear and nothing to hide.

With all of my heart I want to let go of the negative and let go of my past.

But my past will always be with me because that is a pain I never, never want to go through again.

I just want to be done with the past.

I want so badly to move forward and forget all the guys that broke me and tore me down.

I just don't know how.

I could burn all my writings and my poems, but those to me are my art.

When I look back 20 years from now, I'll be able to pull them out and read them.

I don't want to throw them out or burn them.

They are as much a part of who I am as a diary or a notebook is to anyone else.

I want nothing more than to let go of it all, but I just don't know where to start.

But I think I got an idea.

Stay posted for my next blog when I address all those that left me broken hearted.

For now, I just have to be patient.

I have to trust that there is no reason to worry.

I have to believe that I mean more to Rodney than some random girl in Padre.

If I can't believe that now then tomorrow it's going to be too late.

Can I start again?

With my faith shaken.

Cause I can't go back and undo this

I just have to stay

And face my mistakes

But if I get stronger and wiser

I'll get through this...

I've been running more recently and when I run I can just escape into a different world.

I don't have to worry about heart break or negative anything.

When I run... my worries fade away with every touch of the pavement.

Nothing can get me down.

But once I'm done running I start to think again and the more I think the more I miss him.

I admire Yvette and Abby for being able to have long distance relationships, cause I for one would not be able to do that.

It's been two weeks since he's kissed me.

It's been 6 days since I've last seen him.

I don't know how they do it.

But I truly admire them and however they do it.

Maybe they can teach me.

Maybe I just have to be fearless and not let my past influence my future.

I mean I am sure they miss their boyfriends,

And it's not like they don't trust them.

They have all the trust in the world for them.

And it's not about trust .

It never has been, but that's the only word I know to use.

I don't know another word to use.

I don't know why trust is the only word I can think of.

I don't know why I have so much on my mind.

I don't know why this is so hard for me!

I didn't even know he existed until about 4 months ago.

And now, now my entire world has changed.

Flipped upside down.

All because you looked my way.

I don't know where this is going to go.

I think my biggest fear is that Rodney is going to get back and not feel the same way about me.

That his feelings for me will have changed.

That I'm not important to him any more.

I have no reason to think like this,

But that is what I fear.

These are the thoughts that go through my head.

My dreams...

Are nothing like my thoughts.

In my dream last night I was driving to my 11 o'clock class and I saw him walking to work.

I pulled my car into the Marble Slab parking lot and threw it into park.

Flung open my door and just ran.

I ran to him and I just got to be held by him.

I forgot about all the cars passing by.

I didn't care about the world moving around us.

In that moment, there was no one in the world but Rodney and I.

In that moment, every fear and every doubt no longer existed.

If only dreams were real...

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."